Such a busy month ahead. DH and I have two sets of very close friends getting married this month. With marriage also comes hens’ days and bucks days. This also coincides with silly season. My favourite time of the year!
I must have visited the loo a dozen times yesterday expecting to see AF but ….. zip, zilch, nada, nothing. I’ve looked everywhere for her! My vagina, my knickers and still She is hiding from me. Where could she be? This got me thinking. I was curious to know what my body was doing. Was AF torturing me with her mind games or could I possibly be pregnant? I know the chances are slim but I must remain positive. I make the decision to buy a HPT on the way home from work.
I walk into the chemist and purchase a HPT. Before I get to the counter, I also have chocolate, tampons, Revlon make-up (on sale!), overnight pads and naprogesic in my basket. The woman behind the counter gives me s strange look but I can’t work out why. Maybe I have something in my teeth? After buying the HPT, I raced home and skulled a glass of water. My last toilet visit was 4.30pm (in the office) and I tested at 6.30pm (at home). I was slightly nervous and watched the stick like a hawk. My eyes never left the bloody stick. Unfortunately after 3 minutes, nothing had appeared. No pink line at all. So I’m back to square one again. Where the hell is AF and what is keeping her from visiting me? I felt lost. I felt alone. I felt sad. So I jumped into the shower because that always makes me feel better. Then the flood gates were opened… my tears began to fall and disappeared under the shower stream. I cried for the BFN. I cried for the fear I was feeling. I cried for how awful DH must be feeling. I cried …. Because I needed to cry. DH then came home and discovered me in the shower crying. He asked me what was wrong and my reply was ‘I’m OK. I just needed a good cry’. After drying myself off and jumping into some comfy clothes, we cooked dinner together. I tried so hard to be light hearted and full of spirit…. But something had turned off inside of me. I was overly sensitive and hated it. Yet I couldn’t control it. DH made a silly comment about a facial expression I was pulling and I started crying all over again. I retreated to the bedroom with DH following me. Why do men always say the stupidest things? DH said ‘Cheer up. Tomorrow’s a new day’. I know this should be comforting…… but I need him to say ‘Babe, this sucks’. I needed sympathy, not cheering up.
After my meltdown yesterday I am feeling better today. Still no AF and my waking temp this morning was 36.72 (yesterday was 36.56). This to me means AF is still another day or two away. I know I’m not UTD because a BFN told me so! Yet, my stupid TTC brain tells me ‘Maybe you are UTD’. During my lunch break, I quickly log on to the internet and google articles where late BFP’s are mentioned. So many pages to read!! Jackpot! There are heaps of women who didn’t give get a BFP until 7 or 8 weeks. Ha! I’m only 5 weeks.
Today is TCM appt day. DH and I are both excited because it feels like the next step towards our goal – creating our own people. DH collects me from work and he cross the Harbour Bridge and beyond to see our TCM guru, Mr S. I’m so happy DH is willing to try herbs and acupuncture. This approach just feels right because we both want to conceive our baby the old fashioned way. Mr S seems to think he can definitely help us. He wanted DH to have another SA test first because he feels the sperm count is too low and he also wanted me to have an ultrasound. I guess to check my tubes are blocked. Mr S checked my blood flow and pulse (?) and sent us away without charging us a cent. Yippee! He wants us to come back when we get the test results.
The following Tuesday I visit my GP, Dr J for the SA and ultrasound referrals. I also mention to her that AF is way overdue. A quick urine test and the result is negative – no surprise there! So Dr J gives me referrals for SA test and ultrasound and told me she supported the TCM method. This is music to my eyes. I think I’m falling in love with Dr J.
Two days later, I’m at home preparing dinner and suddenly feel a wetness between my legs. AF has found me after 39 days. I search for Mr Blanc, sit on the couch and have a little cry. A few moments later and I’m OK. I tell myself again and again, I’m another cycle closer to my baby.
So Nath abstained for two weeks before the next SA test thinking it would build up his reserves. He took his sample to the pathology place on 17OCT and the test results came back even worse. This time there was no sperm to be found.
A few days later and it’s my turn. I consume an unnatural amount of fluid, walk into the clinic, drop my dacks and spread my legs for the technician. Kinda feel like I’m in my early twenties again! The ultrasound room is amazing. Feel like I’m in futuristic hospital. There is a huge plasma for me to watch my ovaries, eggs, tubes and cervix. The technician scans over my ovaries and tells me I’m about to ovulate from my right ovary. I can see the egg ready to pop out. Is amazing to see insides on big plasma. After the scan, she sends me to the loo to relieve myself…. And what a relief it is. I walk back into the room and she asks me to sit back on the chair, it’s time for the internal scan. What the ? No one mentioned an internal to me. But I bite the bullet and say ‘Ok’. I nearly laughed when the technician rolled a condom onto the ultrasound probe and covered it in lubricant. This is wrong, wrong, wrong. An uncomfortable ten minutes later and I’m leaving the clinic with the knowledge that everything inside looks healthy and normal. My baby oven is ready. *sigh*
We’re not sure what to do from here. It’s almost like hitting a fork in the road. Do we take the TCM option and try herbs to improve DH’s swimmers? Or do we make our appt with IVF clinic and bite the western bullet? This certainly isn’t the time to be discussing our options. We have two weddings on this week; Friday and Saturday. DH is very distracted as he is apart of them both. We’ll have to wait til next week to discuss and decide what to do.
That’s it. I’m over the obsession of TTC. I need to reconnect with the human race again. I try so hard to stay clear of TTC websites but it’s a weakness. I need my daily fix of TTC data. However I totally stop checking temps, stop peeing on sticks and begin to drink copious amounts of wine. I reconnect with an old friend named Mr Blanc. After all, it is silly season. I am beginning to think I might be one of those women who stop thinking about getting pregnant and then do! So at every opportunity I get, I accept social invites that involve Mr Blanc, dancing and well… acting wild. Somehow, through the haze of my daily hangover’s I forget to have sex with DH. DH also forgets to have sex with me.
My brother’s GF emailed me today to say her sister had a baby boy over the weekend. Unfortunately she is also suffering from a mild case of postnatal depression. Poor thing. Hmmmm, is there such a thing as prenatal depression? If yes, I could be sufferer! I begin to google prenatal depression. DAMN! Is depression for pregnant women only. Symptoms include anxiety, irritability and sadness. What the? What do pregnant women have to anxious, irritable or sad about? They are with child!! I display each of these symptoms every 5 minutes. Surely prenatal depression needs to be investigated further a field! I am prime candidate for such experiment.
DH called Mr S at TCM clinic and mentioned we have our test results back. We see Mr S the next day and he goes over our results. He’s not happy with the latest SA test and said the testing was not thorough enough. He’s pleased with my results and says I’m fine and will not be requiring any TCM treatment. We must focus our attention on DH now. We hand over $450 for chinese herbs and are told to come back in two days to collect the medicine as it must be brewed specifically for DH. We’ve just made a 3 month commitment to TCM. It takes sperm three months to mature, so our efforts next month should have promising results in three months time! We are most excited!
The emotional rollercoaster continues today. I don’t want to attend any more family get togethers until I have baby in my arms. But another family birthday lunch is looming. I know both our families look at us and hope for the announcement of an expecting baby. Feel guilty for not having any news to deliver. Poor DH must feel 1000 times worse about it. I think our parents are beginning to lose hope of ever having grandchildren. If we are not pregnant by Christmas, I think we may have to skip town. I don’t think my emotions will allow for another get together with no happy news to bear.
Thursday, 30 October 2008
Tuesday, 30 September 2008
Sperminator day
What a low week I’ve had. No idea why but I’m guessing a mixture of hormones, lack of energy and no red wine in the house. However my positive attitude is slowly returning to normal. It’s Spring after all!! And with Spring comes new beginnings. And with new beginnings comes good times, right?
DH is booked into Sydney IVF this Friday for his test. I’ve heard from other women on TTC website that the private rooms are great at this clinic. I truly hope DH’s test is fine and normal. I would hate to jump more hurdles at the moment.
The day has arrived. It’s Sperminator day. DH is playing it cool and not showing any signs of nerves, however I know him too well. So I play it cool too. We walk into the clinic and present ourselves as Mr and Mrs O. The receptionist is so nice and very welcoming and immediately my nerves disappear. However I’m not the one here for a sperm test. DH is finally told to head down the hallway to door number three. I wish him good luck and give him a wink. DH later tells me the Sperminator room is every man’s dream…… in a weird clinical way. There’s a comfortable leather recliner in the corner, a bench full of porn magazines to flick through, a full DVD range to cater to everyone’s fantasy and the pièce de résistance, a bar fridge full of beer! I can hear DH’s angels singing hallelujah up above. DH emerges with smile on his face. Ah, must mean the mission was successful.
It’s Monday afternoon and the SA test results are back …… DH has a low sperm count. Dr J is now referring us to IVF clinic. I can’t quite believe it! I almost cried when she told me the news but choked back the tears as I was on the bus heading home. How was I meant to tell DH this news? I was so incredibly nervous telling DH when he got home. He took the news OK but later that night when we were in bed, he turned to me and said “What did you do wrong to deserve me”…… my poor little heart was breaking for him. But we’re strong! This situation, this issue will only bring us closer together and make the end result even sweeter.
The following day DH and I receive an email from some close friends to say they are expecting their first baby. I want to feel so happy for them but can’t help feeling sad as well. Life can be so unfair. Why must we have a pregnancy rubbed in our face after finding out yesterday’s devastating results?
Moving on and I begin to research what these test results truly mean. I feel like DH and I are the only people on earth who can’t have babies but my brain tells me this can’t possibly be true. My internet research shows that about 15% of Australian couples of reproductive age have a fertility problem. In about 40% of infertile couples the problem is a male factor, in about 40% it is a female problem and for the remaining 20%, it is a joint problem or the cause is unknown.
Making a list of good things about NOT being pregnant.
• Can colour my hair without a further thought
• No stretch marks
• No need to wear trackie daks to the supermarket
• Am very good at controlling bodily functions
• No one looks at me and thinks I’ve had sex recently
• No need to buy incontinence pads
• Vagina still looks trim, taut and terrific
• Am richer
• Will never require elasticised pants
• Can wear pretty stiletto’s and take full advantage of social invitations (without needing Red Bull to keep me awake)
• No need to discuss my vagina, stitches, breasts to people I hardly know
Do I really want a baby? Think I may have just talked myself out of it!
Testing Day is looming yet again. Tick Tock. Tick Tock. Temperature is still high and all my IPS are accumulating. According to DH’s test result, we probably won’t ever conceive naturally but I convince myself it only takes one healthy sperm and one healthy egg to make a baby.
The J family came over today with M. Our sweet angel God Daughter. After they leave our place, I think “yep, we are so ready to make our own people”.
I logged onto TTC forum and a girl from my buddy group got a BFP. So I did a HPT on Saturday afternoon expecting to get the same result. I was only 12DPO. Boo Woo... I just stared at an empty white space on the stick.
I was expecting AF to arrive yesterday but she is still a no show. I truly (beg, pray, plead) hope she is lost this time. I’ve got the occasionally cramps which indicates AF is coming but I’ve also just read that this is an EPS?!? Maybe I should take a walk to the chemist? Nah, I better save our money for IVF.
DH and I were talking about the upcoming FS appt at IVF clinic in early October. We both agree that we’re not ready to explore the IVF route just yet. So I’ve conducted some research on the internet about Traditional Chinese Medicine (TCM) and acupuncture improving LSC….. sounds interesting and very promising. So I discussed it with DH and we’re going to give it a go. This would be a more natural method to explore than the invasive (and expensive) option of IVF.
So I cancelled out appt with IVF clinic and booked into see a TCM specialist in fertility. Fingers crossed this method will improve DH’s swimmers.
DH is booked into Sydney IVF this Friday for his test. I’ve heard from other women on TTC website that the private rooms are great at this clinic. I truly hope DH’s test is fine and normal. I would hate to jump more hurdles at the moment.
The day has arrived. It’s Sperminator day. DH is playing it cool and not showing any signs of nerves, however I know him too well. So I play it cool too. We walk into the clinic and present ourselves as Mr and Mrs O. The receptionist is so nice and very welcoming and immediately my nerves disappear. However I’m not the one here for a sperm test. DH is finally told to head down the hallway to door number three. I wish him good luck and give him a wink. DH later tells me the Sperminator room is every man’s dream…… in a weird clinical way. There’s a comfortable leather recliner in the corner, a bench full of porn magazines to flick through, a full DVD range to cater to everyone’s fantasy and the pièce de résistance, a bar fridge full of beer! I can hear DH’s angels singing hallelujah up above. DH emerges with smile on his face. Ah, must mean the mission was successful.
It’s Monday afternoon and the SA test results are back …… DH has a low sperm count. Dr J is now referring us to IVF clinic. I can’t quite believe it! I almost cried when she told me the news but choked back the tears as I was on the bus heading home. How was I meant to tell DH this news? I was so incredibly nervous telling DH when he got home. He took the news OK but later that night when we were in bed, he turned to me and said “What did you do wrong to deserve me”…… my poor little heart was breaking for him. But we’re strong! This situation, this issue will only bring us closer together and make the end result even sweeter.
The following day DH and I receive an email from some close friends to say they are expecting their first baby. I want to feel so happy for them but can’t help feeling sad as well. Life can be so unfair. Why must we have a pregnancy rubbed in our face after finding out yesterday’s devastating results?
Moving on and I begin to research what these test results truly mean. I feel like DH and I are the only people on earth who can’t have babies but my brain tells me this can’t possibly be true. My internet research shows that about 15% of Australian couples of reproductive age have a fertility problem. In about 40% of infertile couples the problem is a male factor, in about 40% it is a female problem and for the remaining 20%, it is a joint problem or the cause is unknown.
Making a list of good things about NOT being pregnant.
• Can colour my hair without a further thought
• No stretch marks
• No need to wear trackie daks to the supermarket
• Am very good at controlling bodily functions
• No one looks at me and thinks I’ve had sex recently
• No need to buy incontinence pads
• Vagina still looks trim, taut and terrific
• Am richer
• Will never require elasticised pants
• Can wear pretty stiletto’s and take full advantage of social invitations (without needing Red Bull to keep me awake)
• No need to discuss my vagina, stitches, breasts to people I hardly know
Do I really want a baby? Think I may have just talked myself out of it!
Testing Day is looming yet again. Tick Tock. Tick Tock. Temperature is still high and all my IPS are accumulating. According to DH’s test result, we probably won’t ever conceive naturally but I convince myself it only takes one healthy sperm and one healthy egg to make a baby.
The J family came over today with M. Our sweet angel God Daughter. After they leave our place, I think “yep, we are so ready to make our own people”.
I logged onto TTC forum and a girl from my buddy group got a BFP. So I did a HPT on Saturday afternoon expecting to get the same result. I was only 12DPO. Boo Woo... I just stared at an empty white space on the stick.
I was expecting AF to arrive yesterday but she is still a no show. I truly (beg, pray, plead) hope she is lost this time. I’ve got the occasionally cramps which indicates AF is coming but I’ve also just read that this is an EPS?!? Maybe I should take a walk to the chemist? Nah, I better save our money for IVF.
DH and I were talking about the upcoming FS appt at IVF clinic in early October. We both agree that we’re not ready to explore the IVF route just yet. So I’ve conducted some research on the internet about Traditional Chinese Medicine (TCM) and acupuncture improving LSC….. sounds interesting and very promising. So I discussed it with DH and we’re going to give it a go. This would be a more natural method to explore than the invasive (and expensive) option of IVF.
So I cancelled out appt with IVF clinic and booked into see a TCM specialist in fertility. Fingers crossed this method will improve DH’s swimmers.
Monday, 25 August 2008
Fighting antibodies
Our neighbours upstairs had a baby boy last week. He is adorable. Actually the whole family are adorable. I envy them yet I cannot bring myself to say congratulations. I’m too scared my mouth will say something else so I keep it shut and pretend not to see mother and new born son stepping into the foyer of our complex. Surely we have nothing in common anyway. I suddenly have the overwhelming urge to drink copious amount of wine and cry with Celine Dion.
DH text me yesterday and said he was skipping TAFE that night. He asked me if I'd want to go for a walk down to the beach and then grab a DVD. Of course I did!!!!! So I ran home and we were happy and cheerful as we left for our walk. About 5mins into our walk I mentioned I’d received a letter last week from my doctor reminding me it was Pap Smear time. THEN i made the mistake of telling him I remember two years ago getting my last pap smear and thinking, I'd be pregnant or have a baby by the time my next pap smear was due. DH became angry and upset and said I was really starting to obsess about this 'whole baby' thing. So, here were are, down the beach, yelling at one another in the dark about how trying to conceive our baby was becoming an obsession. I said it wouldn't be an obsession if I was already pregnant. I screamed at him to be supportive and not judgemental!! He then cuddled me and said he was sorry. He would try and be more supportive and just shut his mouth next time.
The following day I trot off to work trying to be positive and stress free. At 11.30am, I leave the office and head to my GP’s office next door. I hate Pap Smears. I hate everything about them. But I figure the sooner I do it, the better. It would also give me a chance to discuss 'making babies' with the Dr J. She did the regular yearly check; blood pressure, breast examination, pap smear, medical history check. I found myself telling her about the past 6 months of unsuccessful baby making and she re-assured me it takes a healthy couple 6-12 months to fall pregnant. However she was very optimistic and hopeful saying my medical history was great and I was very healthy. Her exact words were "Why don't we get a few tests done now and make sure everything is functioning perfectly. Why waste another 6 months of trying only to discover there maybe something wrong". I was very close to jumping up and hugging her to death.
Dr J hands me a referral for a CD22 test. The test will check my progesterone levels and make sure my ovulation is healthy and normal. I'm also being tested for Rubella. Just before I left her surgery, she pulls out another form for Sydney IVF. Dr J hopes my DH doesn’t need the sperm analysis referral for Sydney IVF but it can’t hurt to get DH checked out as well. I leave her surgery feeling re-energised about our TTC adventure.
My CD22 blood test was yesterday (Saturday). I’m currently 4 day past ovulation (DPO). The nurse was great and I was in and out of the pathology place in 10 minutes.
By Wednesday (9DPO) I still hadn’t heard back from Dr J about the results so I called her to make sure everything was OK. My progesterone levels were normal (meaning I’m ovulating) and my Rubella levels were normal (meaning I’m still immune to it). And my blood type is A negative…. The doctor hesitated when she said this. So I asked if that’s ok. Her response was it’s rare to have A negative blood, only 7% of the Aussie population has this blood type and it can cause difficulties with my pregnancy if my baby (what baby!!) has a positive blood type.
Basically my body will automatically create antibodies to fight against the positive blood in my system. The antibodies are enough to kill my unborn baby!!!! What the? Not the news I wanted to hear. I really was quite naively expecting to hear that everything was hunky dory!
Anyway, I’m now madly researching this blood type and becoming an expert on it.
On another note, our August cycle was also a failure. AF showed up on Sunday. We had DH’s family over for dinner to celebrate my brother in law’s birthday and as soon as the family left our apartment, I turned to DH and told me AF had arrived.
He turned to me and said “What are you so upset about”.
I think you could actually hear my heart shatter into a thousands pieces. Of course, not only am I devastated this cycle didn’t work, I’m devastated that AF showed up and NOW I have to deal with the devastation of my husbands poor choice of words.
Men! Can’t live with them. Can’t procreate with them.
DH text me yesterday and said he was skipping TAFE that night. He asked me if I'd want to go for a walk down to the beach and then grab a DVD. Of course I did!!!!! So I ran home and we were happy and cheerful as we left for our walk. About 5mins into our walk I mentioned I’d received a letter last week from my doctor reminding me it was Pap Smear time. THEN i made the mistake of telling him I remember two years ago getting my last pap smear and thinking, I'd be pregnant or have a baby by the time my next pap smear was due. DH became angry and upset and said I was really starting to obsess about this 'whole baby' thing. So, here were are, down the beach, yelling at one another in the dark about how trying to conceive our baby was becoming an obsession. I said it wouldn't be an obsession if I was already pregnant. I screamed at him to be supportive and not judgemental!! He then cuddled me and said he was sorry. He would try and be more supportive and just shut his mouth next time.
The following day I trot off to work trying to be positive and stress free. At 11.30am, I leave the office and head to my GP’s office next door. I hate Pap Smears. I hate everything about them. But I figure the sooner I do it, the better. It would also give me a chance to discuss 'making babies' with the Dr J. She did the regular yearly check; blood pressure, breast examination, pap smear, medical history check. I found myself telling her about the past 6 months of unsuccessful baby making and she re-assured me it takes a healthy couple 6-12 months to fall pregnant. However she was very optimistic and hopeful saying my medical history was great and I was very healthy. Her exact words were "Why don't we get a few tests done now and make sure everything is functioning perfectly. Why waste another 6 months of trying only to discover there maybe something wrong". I was very close to jumping up and hugging her to death.
Dr J hands me a referral for a CD22 test. The test will check my progesterone levels and make sure my ovulation is healthy and normal. I'm also being tested for Rubella. Just before I left her surgery, she pulls out another form for Sydney IVF. Dr J hopes my DH doesn’t need the sperm analysis referral for Sydney IVF but it can’t hurt to get DH checked out as well. I leave her surgery feeling re-energised about our TTC adventure.
My CD22 blood test was yesterday (Saturday). I’m currently 4 day past ovulation (DPO). The nurse was great and I was in and out of the pathology place in 10 minutes.
By Wednesday (9DPO) I still hadn’t heard back from Dr J about the results so I called her to make sure everything was OK. My progesterone levels were normal (meaning I’m ovulating) and my Rubella levels were normal (meaning I’m still immune to it). And my blood type is A negative…. The doctor hesitated when she said this. So I asked if that’s ok. Her response was it’s rare to have A negative blood, only 7% of the Aussie population has this blood type and it can cause difficulties with my pregnancy if my baby (what baby!!) has a positive blood type.
Basically my body will automatically create antibodies to fight against the positive blood in my system. The antibodies are enough to kill my unborn baby!!!! What the? Not the news I wanted to hear. I really was quite naively expecting to hear that everything was hunky dory!
Anyway, I’m now madly researching this blood type and becoming an expert on it.
On another note, our August cycle was also a failure. AF showed up on Sunday. We had DH’s family over for dinner to celebrate my brother in law’s birthday and as soon as the family left our apartment, I turned to DH and told me AF had arrived.
He turned to me and said “What are you so upset about”.
I think you could actually hear my heart shatter into a thousands pieces. Of course, not only am I devastated this cycle didn’t work, I’m devastated that AF showed up and NOW I have to deal with the devastation of my husbands poor choice of words.
Men! Can’t live with them. Can’t procreate with them.
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