Our first IVF appt

Our FS appointment is two sleeps away. My day was spent organising and photocopying our test results, referrals and documents for the FS. I am beginning to get excited now about the future!

DH and I visited our FS yesterday. I now I should be feeling positive about the experience but to be honest I feel shit scared now. The need to invest complete faith in our FS was squashed 20 minutes into the appointment. We’re being referred to her colleague instead…. This is the moment my faith and hope disappear! Without going on and on about it too much, the bottom line is more blood tests have been ordered for the both of us. DH also has to take a cystic fibrosis test. Once the results are in, we head back to the clinic to see her colleague (who specialises in Male Factor Infertility). My gut is telling me this is gonna be a long and bumpy ride but I must try and look at this experience differently. The FS is conducting more tests so they know exactly what they are dealing with right? Yes Brooke!
DH is so great about all this. He walked out of the appointment just glowing with how great this is going to be. WTF? Where did this enthusiasm come from?

Life as I know it has been sucked out of me. I wake this morning feeling the full effects of this journey so far; devastation, confusion, afraid, isolated, guilty, ashamed, angry, sad and pathetically hopeless. I cannot possibly go into the office today. My head is pounding and I’m struggling to understand why I am feeling like this. This struggle is aggravated unfamiliar and intense feelings in me. I fear that my attitude will be misunderstood by others. Because I’m absolutely certain that those close to me are misunderstanding me. They must think I’m obsessed, moody, helpless, depressed, envious, too serious, obnoxious, aggressive, antagonistic, and cynical. Decision made…. I’m calling in sick. Best to stay indoors today and ignore the outside world.

Wow. When it rains, it really does pour. The Government has just released it’s Budget for 2010 and it’s not good. Actually it’s devastating. The Government wants to get rid of the Medicare Safety Net for IVF and OB/GYN claims. I want to cry. I want to laugh hysterically. I want to be comforted by Mr Sav Blanc. Some would argue that IVF is not for the public purse to pay for, but I get annoyed that the safety net is there for people with medical conditions to access affordable medical care yet we can’t. My husband has a medical condition. A genetic medical condition and we would like the same access as other’s to a medical rebate. IVF is one of a few medical conditions that if invested in well, will in some part give back to society in future generations. I also can't stand the hypocrisy of saying that Australia needs to increase our population and pays that in baby bonus (and maybe a paid maternity leave scheme) as an incentive and then tries to take funding from an area that is doing just that. It’s been a few weeks now and I’m beginning to feel better. DH and I have completed all of our tests. We’re just whistling away the time until our next FS appt to discover the results.

Just came back from a lunch date with my GF. My GF is also TTC and it’s so nice for us to sit down with no disruptions and talk babies. Just towards the end of our lunch date my GF announces she is nine weeks pregnant. I’m not surprised by this at all however my GF has tears in her eyes as she breaks the news to me. I’m touched that she’s so caring and sensitive towards my feelings but I’m honestly thrilled for her. As a fellow TTCer doing it tough I’m so glad she and her hubby are rewarded with another bub. Completely and utterly happy for them.

$49 psychic

I don’t think I can take another pregnancy announcement. I am truly at breaking point and have the potential to hurt expecting women everywhere. Here is goes….. A colleague just announced her pregnancy. I can’t believe I didn’t pick it because she’s huge. I mean for a tiny Japanese woman, she is certainly showing and her belly is very cute. But I can’t seem to fight the violent urge to push her over. Due to these dangerous tendencies, I consider resigning at first. Maybe a job in a nightclub would be better. It would be extremely beneficial to pregnant women all over the city if I begin to spend all of my time in a nightclub where it is unlikely that any women would bring her baby.

Why don’t women talk about it? Better still, why won’t men talk about it? Is there a code of silence when it comes to fertility issues? In the eleven years since I became 18 and joined the work force, I have never heard of anyone talk about fertility issues – especially of the male kind! Yet, I’ve heard about every ‘oopsy daisy’ pregnancy. The human race (well, the Sydney human race) are proud as punch to talk about impending births and their children yet nobody is proud to discuss or even comment on infertility. I mean no one chooses to have fertility issues. I feel so ashamed to talk about our reproductive failings whilst others are so happy to flaunt their fertility to everyone.

Okay so I haven’t resigned yet! But I’m certainly developing my business idea in my spare time. Well, I’m actually surfing the web at work and researching as much as I can… and getting paid for it! Hoping my boss never finds out!

Another member (my favourite member) has graduated from our on-line forum into the Pregnancy forum. It’s a bittersweet feeling. Of course I’m incredibly happy for her but I wish I was joining her. I wish it was me leaving the group and moving into the pregnancy forum. It dawns on me that my world is beginning to segregate. My world as I know it is now the Fertile’s and the Infertile’s. I also noticed that my life changed forever the moment DH and I started trying to conceive. What happened to our wild Saturday night’s that would have us stumbling home at 6am the following morning? My Saturday nights are now spent on the couch reading the Twilight series. Bella and Edward can conceive a vampire baby but I can’t even conceive a human baby!! Maybe I need to consider knitting or scrap-booking? Am becoming a Grandmother already – yet have no child to create a grandchild.

Another blow. Another lemon. Another devastation. Not too sure if I can take it much longer. My GP phoned yesterday to break the bad news. DH’s sperm count hasn’t changed. It’s the same! How can that be? Surely the horrid herbs and painful acupuncture did something to DH’s swimmers! I hop on the bus and head home to DH, all the while thinking of ways to break the news gently to him. I dawdle home and put the keys in the door… there is no easy way to tell him. Here is goes…
DH takes the shitty news like a trooper. Shrugs his shoulders and says “Oh well. It was worth a shot”. I hug him immediately and bury my face into his neck. I’m so glad his reaction isn’t to cry and shout ‘Why me!”. Because that’s exactly how I feel like reacting! We discuss our next step and agree IVF is the only way forward now. Our FS appointment is in two weeks so we agree to a TTC naturally break! Yippee! No more OPK’s, no more mangy thermometers and no more CM checks.

It was my birthday yesterday and I must admit I had a great day. The day started off a little slow and little apprehensive because I truly believed I’d be holding my baby in my arms by this milestone…. BUT it wasn’t meant to be. So I dedicate the day to being positive instead. Forget important milestones and celebrate the moment my head screams at me. DH, Jessie and my mum make it a memorable birthday evening. Gotta love them for it!

I saw a psychic today and I’m feeling a little shaky. The reading was great but it’s still a frightening experience because the psychic acknowledge so many points in my life; DH’s health and current working conditions, my business idea, my immediate family and of course, our hard times dealing with fertility issues. Apparently DH and I will never conceive naturally but we will conceive with the help of a specialist. The months of May and October could be seen as positive outcomes. This is freaky because our appointment at the IVF clinic is in May and our private health insurance begins in September. Am I reading too much into this? Do I believe a $49 psychic?

Where are you miracle?

It’s Friday. I’m CD14 and half way through SMEP. I cannot believe that I totally forget to use an OPK today. How could I be so forgettable! I get home and try an OPK anyway, it kinda looks negative. It’s Saturday. I’m CD15 and my waking temperature has sky rocketed! What the? I couldn’t have O already! My O day is still two or three days away. Very confused now. After lunch I use an OPK and register a positive. Right, so I’ve O’d. DH is at cricket all day so I must wait til he gets home before one last BD – just for good measure! Just as my cycles become clock work, my body throws a curve ball at me. An early ovulation! Sheesh!

Feeling bittersweet. I don’t know whether to jump with excitement, swallow my sadness or cry hysterically. Think I’ll pick number two option – swallow my sadness. My brother L has just called me from mum’s place to tell me he’s going to be a dad. A dad! That means I’m going to be an Aunty. I react normally (because mentally unstable women in my position needs to react excited in this situation) and tell L and his girlfriend K they’re going to be great parents. I quickly talk to my mum and ask her will she be grandma or nana. My mum is so excited about being a grandmother. I talk a little longer with my brother and ask him about their future living arrangements (L still lives at home with my dad) and if marriage is on the cards before the baby is born. I guess it’s all too soon to be answering those questions because he’s still in shock he’s gonna be a dad! It’s so sweet hearing him excited!
I say my goodbyes and begin to clean the kitchen. Half way through scrubbing the oven tray, a little tear escapes. I tell myself to stop it immediately but the tears are out before I have a chance to control them. I cry (yet again) for selfish reasons. Because I want to create my OWN people as well.

This isn’t fair! Five women from my on-line support group have just discovered their pregnant. WTF? Where was my invite to join the Due-in group? I’ve checked the mail box repeatedly and got nothing. This means my support group is down to 4 members. SMEP was successful for 5 out of 9 members. Now that’s awesome news for SMEP creators but what about me? I’ve been doing SMEP for months and months (that’s a lie but it sounds right in my head) and got nothing! Where is my miracle?
Argh, guess it’s time to recruit some more members to the on-line group.

My urge to procreate is getting stronger and stronger now. Especially when women all around me are falling pregnant and giving birth. It’s just not far. I want to make my OWN people are well. I still haven’t accepted that it may take a cast of hundreds to help DH and I do it.