Male Factor Infertility

Our second FS appt went well. We saw a new FS that specialises in Male Factor Infertility and he explained our test results in detail. DH now has a name for his infertility – Y Chromosome Deletions. Feels strange the way it rolls off your tongue de⋅le⋅tions. Men with this infertility have certainly gone on to have children however our son will definitely suffer from this infertility. DH and I look at one another and back to the FS. Are you serious? Our future son will suffer from a low sperm count caused by a genetic deletion! I’m sure the shock on our faces didn’t register with the FS because he just continued to talk and talk.

The FS has asked DH to give a sperm sample once a week for the next three weeks. The sperm will be frozen and used in case of emergency if a fresh sample cannot be used on the day of our egg retrieval.

So, our next step is to see our original FS again and hear how the ICSI cycle works. Durr, I know this already. Am addicted to Dr Google! We also have to make an appt to see a fertility nurse at the clinic and run through the medication, surgery procedures and costs involved.

This time DH and I leave the clinic feeling a little deflated. The conversation did not flow easily on the way home. Our future son will be infertile.

Third FS appt went well today. Had to attend this appt by myself as DH couldn’t get out of work. FS explained the cycle from beginning to end and made no promises. However I’ve been told that we have age on our side. We’re fit, young and healthy…. And that’s a good thing!

FS also explained that we qualify for the Pre-Implantation Genetic Diagnosis aka PGD. The way I understand it, DH and I can choose the sex of our baby because our infertility is caused by genetics… genetics that can be passed onto a son. PGD involves carefully removing one or more cells from an embryo for analysis and determining the sex of the embryo. I cannot believe that this is an option. I cannot believe the FS is asking if we want to have girls only! Isn’t that playing God? Isn’t that going against Mother Nature? Surely any child is a blessing whether they suffer from infertility later in life or not. Am feeling very confused and on the verge of tears. The FS suggest a counseling session with one of the Geneticist for the following week.

Our first IVF appt

Our FS appointment is two sleeps away. My day was spent organising and photocopying our test results, referrals and documents for the FS. I am beginning to get excited now about the future!

DH and I visited our FS yesterday. I now I should be feeling positive about the experience but to be honest I feel shit scared now. The need to invest complete faith in our FS was squashed 20 minutes into the appointment. We’re being referred to her colleague instead…. This is the moment my faith and hope disappear! Without going on and on about it too much, the bottom line is more blood tests have been ordered for the both of us. DH also has to take a cystic fibrosis test. Once the results are in, we head back to the clinic to see her colleague (who specialises in Male Factor Infertility). My gut is telling me this is gonna be a long and bumpy ride but I must try and look at this experience differently. The FS is conducting more tests so they know exactly what they are dealing with right? Yes Brooke!
DH is so great about all this. He walked out of the appointment just glowing with how great this is going to be. WTF? Where did this enthusiasm come from?

Life as I know it has been sucked out of me. I wake this morning feeling the full effects of this journey so far; devastation, confusion, afraid, isolated, guilty, ashamed, angry, sad and pathetically hopeless. I cannot possibly go into the office today. My head is pounding and I’m struggling to understand why I am feeling like this. This struggle is aggravated unfamiliar and intense feelings in me. I fear that my attitude will be misunderstood by others. Because I’m absolutely certain that those close to me are misunderstanding me. They must think I’m obsessed, moody, helpless, depressed, envious, too serious, obnoxious, aggressive, antagonistic, and cynical. Decision made…. I’m calling in sick. Best to stay indoors today and ignore the outside world.

Wow. When it rains, it really does pour. The Government has just released it’s Budget for 2010 and it’s not good. Actually it’s devastating. The Government wants to get rid of the Medicare Safety Net for IVF and OB/GYN claims. I want to cry. I want to laugh hysterically. I want to be comforted by Mr Sav Blanc. Some would argue that IVF is not for the public purse to pay for, but I get annoyed that the safety net is there for people with medical conditions to access affordable medical care yet we can’t. My husband has a medical condition. A genetic medical condition and we would like the same access as other’s to a medical rebate. IVF is one of a few medical conditions that if invested in well, will in some part give back to society in future generations. I also can't stand the hypocrisy of saying that Australia needs to increase our population and pays that in baby bonus (and maybe a paid maternity leave scheme) as an incentive and then tries to take funding from an area that is doing just that. It’s been a few weeks now and I’m beginning to feel better. DH and I have completed all of our tests. We’re just whistling away the time until our next FS appt to discover the results.

Just came back from a lunch date with my GF. My GF is also TTC and it’s so nice for us to sit down with no disruptions and talk babies. Just towards the end of our lunch date my GF announces she is nine weeks pregnant. I’m not surprised by this at all however my GF has tears in her eyes as she breaks the news to me. I’m touched that she’s so caring and sensitive towards my feelings but I’m honestly thrilled for her. As a fellow TTCer doing it tough I’m so glad she and her hubby are rewarded with another bub. Completely and utterly happy for them.

$49 psychic

I don’t think I can take another pregnancy announcement. I am truly at breaking point and have the potential to hurt expecting women everywhere. Here is goes….. A colleague just announced her pregnancy. I can’t believe I didn’t pick it because she’s huge. I mean for a tiny Japanese woman, she is certainly showing and her belly is very cute. But I can’t seem to fight the violent urge to push her over. Due to these dangerous tendencies, I consider resigning at first. Maybe a job in a nightclub would be better. It would be extremely beneficial to pregnant women all over the city if I begin to spend all of my time in a nightclub where it is unlikely that any women would bring her baby.

Why don’t women talk about it? Better still, why won’t men talk about it? Is there a code of silence when it comes to fertility issues? In the eleven years since I became 18 and joined the work force, I have never heard of anyone talk about fertility issues – especially of the male kind! Yet, I’ve heard about every ‘oopsy daisy’ pregnancy. The human race (well, the Sydney human race) are proud as punch to talk about impending births and their children yet nobody is proud to discuss or even comment on infertility. I mean no one chooses to have fertility issues. I feel so ashamed to talk about our reproductive failings whilst others are so happy to flaunt their fertility to everyone.

Okay so I haven’t resigned yet! But I’m certainly developing my business idea in my spare time. Well, I’m actually surfing the web at work and researching as much as I can… and getting paid for it! Hoping my boss never finds out!

Another member (my favourite member) has graduated from our on-line forum into the Pregnancy forum. It’s a bittersweet feeling. Of course I’m incredibly happy for her but I wish I was joining her. I wish it was me leaving the group and moving into the pregnancy forum. It dawns on me that my world is beginning to segregate. My world as I know it is now the Fertile’s and the Infertile’s. I also noticed that my life changed forever the moment DH and I started trying to conceive. What happened to our wild Saturday night’s that would have us stumbling home at 6am the following morning? My Saturday nights are now spent on the couch reading the Twilight series. Bella and Edward can conceive a vampire baby but I can’t even conceive a human baby!! Maybe I need to consider knitting or scrap-booking? Am becoming a Grandmother already – yet have no child to create a grandchild.

Another blow. Another lemon. Another devastation. Not too sure if I can take it much longer. My GP phoned yesterday to break the bad news. DH’s sperm count hasn’t changed. It’s the same! How can that be? Surely the horrid herbs and painful acupuncture did something to DH’s swimmers! I hop on the bus and head home to DH, all the while thinking of ways to break the news gently to him. I dawdle home and put the keys in the door… there is no easy way to tell him. Here is goes…
DH takes the shitty news like a trooper. Shrugs his shoulders and says “Oh well. It was worth a shot”. I hug him immediately and bury my face into his neck. I’m so glad his reaction isn’t to cry and shout ‘Why me!”. Because that’s exactly how I feel like reacting! We discuss our next step and agree IVF is the only way forward now. Our FS appointment is in two weeks so we agree to a TTC naturally break! Yippee! No more OPK’s, no more mangy thermometers and no more CM checks.

It was my birthday yesterday and I must admit I had a great day. The day started off a little slow and little apprehensive because I truly believed I’d be holding my baby in my arms by this milestone…. BUT it wasn’t meant to be. So I dedicate the day to being positive instead. Forget important milestones and celebrate the moment my head screams at me. DH, Jessie and my mum make it a memorable birthday evening. Gotta love them for it!

I saw a psychic today and I’m feeling a little shaky. The reading was great but it’s still a frightening experience because the psychic acknowledge so many points in my life; DH’s health and current working conditions, my business idea, my immediate family and of course, our hard times dealing with fertility issues. Apparently DH and I will never conceive naturally but we will conceive with the help of a specialist. The months of May and October could be seen as positive outcomes. This is freaky because our appointment at the IVF clinic is in May and our private health insurance begins in September. Am I reading too much into this? Do I believe a $49 psychic?