Sperminator day

What a low week I’ve had. No idea why but I’m guessing a mixture of hormones, lack of energy and no red wine in the house. However my positive attitude is slowly returning to normal. It’s Spring after all!! And with Spring comes new beginnings. And with new beginnings comes good times, right?

DH is booked into Sydney IVF this Friday for his test. I’ve heard from other women on TTC website that the private rooms are great at this clinic. I truly hope DH’s test is fine and normal. I would hate to jump more hurdles at the moment.

The day has arrived. It’s Sperminator day. DH is playing it cool and not showing any signs of nerves, however I know him too well. So I play it cool too. We walk into the clinic and present ourselves as Mr and Mrs O. The receptionist is so nice and very welcoming and immediately my nerves disappear. However I’m not the one here for a sperm test. DH is finally told to head down the hallway to door number three. I wish him good luck and give him a wink. DH later tells me the Sperminator room is every man’s dream…… in a weird clinical way. There’s a comfortable leather recliner in the corner, a bench full of porn magazines to flick through, a full DVD range to cater to everyone’s fantasy and the pièce de résistance, a bar fridge full of beer! I can hear DH’s angels singing hallelujah up above. DH emerges with smile on his face. Ah, must mean the mission was successful.

It’s Monday afternoon and the SA test results are back …… DH has a low sperm count. Dr J is now referring us to IVF clinic. I can’t quite believe it! I almost cried when she told me the news but choked back the tears as I was on the bus heading home. How was I meant to tell DH this news? I was so incredibly nervous telling DH when he got home. He took the news OK but later that night when we were in bed, he turned to me and said “What did you do wrong to deserve me”…… my poor little heart was breaking for him. But we’re strong! This situation, this issue will only bring us closer together and make the end result even sweeter.

The following day DH and I receive an email from some close friends to say they are expecting their first baby. I want to feel so happy for them but can’t help feeling sad as well. Life can be so unfair. Why must we have a pregnancy rubbed in our face after finding out yesterday’s devastating results?

Moving on and I begin to research what these test results truly mean. I feel like DH and I are the only people on earth who can’t have babies but my brain tells me this can’t possibly be true. My internet research shows that about 15% of Australian couples of reproductive age have a fertility problem. In about 40% of infertile couples the problem is a male factor, in about 40% it is a female problem and for the remaining 20%, it is a joint problem or the cause is unknown.

Making a list of good things about NOT being pregnant.
• Can colour my hair without a further thought
• No stretch marks
• No need to wear trackie daks to the supermarket
• Am very good at controlling bodily functions
• No one looks at me and thinks I’ve had sex recently
• No need to buy incontinence pads
• Vagina still looks trim, taut and terrific
• Am richer
• Will never require elasticised pants
• Can wear pretty stiletto’s and take full advantage of social invitations (without needing Red Bull to keep me awake)
• No need to discuss my vagina, stitches, breasts to people I hardly know
Do I really want a baby? Think I may have just talked myself out of it!

Testing Day is looming yet again. Tick Tock. Tick Tock. Temperature is still high and all my IPS are accumulating. According to DH’s test result, we probably won’t ever conceive naturally but I convince myself it only takes one healthy sperm and one healthy egg to make a baby.

The J family came over today with M. Our sweet angel God Daughter. After they leave our place, I think “yep, we are so ready to make our own people”.

I logged onto TTC forum and a girl from my buddy group got a BFP. So I did a HPT on Saturday afternoon expecting to get the same result. I was only 12DPO. Boo Woo... I just stared at an empty white space on the stick.

I was expecting AF to arrive yesterday but she is still a no show. I truly (beg, pray, plead) hope she is lost this time. I’ve got the occasionally cramps which indicates AF is coming but I’ve also just read that this is an EPS?!? Maybe I should take a walk to the chemist? Nah, I better save our money for IVF.

DH and I were talking about the upcoming FS appt at IVF clinic in early October. We both agree that we’re not ready to explore the IVF route just yet. So I’ve conducted some research on the internet about Traditional Chinese Medicine (TCM) and acupuncture improving LSC….. sounds interesting and very promising. So I discussed it with DH and we’re going to give it a go. This would be a more natural method to explore than the invasive (and expensive) option of IVF.

So I cancelled out appt with IVF clinic and booked into see a TCM specialist in fertility. Fingers crossed this method will improve DH’s swimmers.

Fighting antibodies

Our neighbours upstairs had a baby boy last week. He is adorable. Actually the whole family are adorable. I envy them yet I cannot bring myself to say congratulations. I’m too scared my mouth will say something else so I keep it shut and pretend not to see mother and new born son stepping into the foyer of our complex. Surely we have nothing in common anyway. I suddenly have the overwhelming urge to drink copious amount of wine and cry with Celine Dion.

DH text me yesterday and said he was skipping TAFE that night. He asked me if I'd want to go for a walk down to the beach and then grab a DVD. Of course I did!!!!! So I ran home and we were happy and cheerful as we left for our walk. About 5mins into our walk I mentioned I’d received a letter last week from my doctor reminding me it was Pap Smear time. THEN i made the mistake of telling him I remember two years ago getting my last pap smear and thinking, I'd be pregnant or have a baby by the time my next pap smear was due. DH became angry and upset and said I was really starting to obsess about this 'whole baby' thing. So, here were are, down the beach, yelling at one another in the dark about how trying to conceive our baby was becoming an obsession. I said it wouldn't be an obsession if I was already pregnant. I screamed at him to be supportive and not judgemental!! He then cuddled me and said he was sorry. He would try and be more supportive and just shut his mouth next time.

The following day I trot off to work trying to be positive and stress free. At 11.30am, I leave the office and head to my GP’s office next door. I hate Pap Smears. I hate everything about them. But I figure the sooner I do it, the better. It would also give me a chance to discuss 'making babies' with the Dr J. She did the regular yearly check; blood pressure, breast examination, pap smear, medical history check. I found myself telling her about the past 6 months of unsuccessful baby making and she re-assured me it takes a healthy couple 6-12 months to fall pregnant. However she was very optimistic and hopeful saying my medical history was great and I was very healthy. Her exact words were "Why don't we get a few tests done now and make sure everything is functioning perfectly. Why waste another 6 months of trying only to discover there maybe something wrong". I was very close to jumping up and hugging her to death.

Dr J hands me a referral for a CD22 test. The test will check my progesterone levels and make sure my ovulation is healthy and normal. I'm also being tested for Rubella. Just before I left her surgery, she pulls out another form for Sydney IVF. Dr J hopes my DH doesn’t need the sperm analysis referral for Sydney IVF but it can’t hurt to get DH checked out as well. I leave her surgery feeling re-energised about our TTC adventure.

My CD22 blood test was yesterday (Saturday). I’m currently 4 day past ovulation (DPO). The nurse was great and I was in and out of the pathology place in 10 minutes.

By Wednesday (9DPO) I still hadn’t heard back from Dr J about the results so I called her to make sure everything was OK. My progesterone levels were normal (meaning I’m ovulating) and my Rubella levels were normal (meaning I’m still immune to it). And my blood type is A negative…. The doctor hesitated when she said this. So I asked if that’s ok. Her response was it’s rare to have A negative blood, only 7% of the Aussie population has this blood type and it can cause difficulties with my pregnancy if my baby (what baby!!) has a positive blood type.
Basically my body will automatically create antibodies to fight against the positive blood in my system. The antibodies are enough to kill my unborn baby!!!! What the? Not the news I wanted to hear. I really was quite naively expecting to hear that everything was hunky dory!
Anyway, I’m now madly researching this blood type and becoming an expert on it.

On another note, our August cycle was also a failure. AF showed up on Sunday. We had DH’s family over for dinner to celebrate my brother in law’s birthday and as soon as the family left our apartment, I turned to DH and told me AF had arrived.

He turned to me and said “What are you so upset about”.

I think you could actually hear my heart shatter into a thousands pieces. Of course, not only am I devastated this cycle didn’t work, I’m devastated that AF showed up and NOW I have to deal with the devastation of my husbands poor choice of words.

Men! Can’t live with them. Can’t procreate with them.

Imaginary Pregnancy Signs

Cannot believe I am taking my temperature each morning. I am so over it!! Is my body really that foreign to me that I don’t know when I ovulate? It must be. I feel like my body and I are individuals, maybe even strangers. My head is starting to spin thinking about all the new things I’m trying this month on top of the old things; taking temperature daily, keeping excel spreadsheets of daily temperatures, checking my cervical mucous for stretchiness, using sperm friendly lubricant, taking liquid vitamins full of fish oil and folate, visualisation techniques and moonstone crystals in my bra. The list goes on and on. However I’d much rather stick a thermometer in my mouth and take vitamins than insert a needle into my arm daily or have horrid medical instruments in my vagina!

The dreaded 2WW begins. I started recording my EPS (early pregnancy signs), although I quickly rename this to IPS (imaginary pregnancy signs) after visiting TTC forum again. Women in there are nuts, as am I!
5DPO; pains in lower pubic region.
6DPO; frequent urination but my intake of fluid remains the same.
11DPO; notice a ‘dark’ change in nipple area.
13DPO; Craving ice-cream. Must be pregnant!
14DPO; Buy a HPT on the way home from work but too scared to do it. Hate seeing the blank white space where a 2nd line should appear. I talk myself into waiting til the following morning should my temperature still remain high. That way more of the pregnancy hormone is built up in my system.
15DPO; Wake up at 4am with cramps. Visit the loo and say “Hi” to AF once again. Is it too early for comforting Sauvignon Blanc?