Loss of a friend & Silly Season Amnesia

DH and I are BD every second day whilst on our annual leave break trying desperately for a miracle. But it happens again. A visit to the toilet proves we’re unsuccessful again. Thank goodness for ice cream, pasta, chocolate and wine (in that order). At least the wine numbs the pain and pulls me into a drunken stupor! I cannot stand the disappointment yet again.

I’ve decided to leave the Tourism industry! Mainly because the pay sucks and I want to be closer to home. Maybe I’m feeling the urge to nest? I find my ancient resume and begin to update it. A friend mentioned I should list my hobbies on the resume as it shows employers you’re personality. Hobbies? Checking my temperature, Peeing on ovulation sticks, checking my cervical mucous. That should show my future employer that I am full of personality.

I just found my first grey hair!!! This isn’t happening. I’m only 28 years old. Far too young for grey hairs. I can’t go grey yet. I still need to have a family. Actually, aren’t kids the cause of grey hairs? That’s what my mother tells me.
This is wrong. This is bad. This is a disaster. I quickly pluck it out and try to forget about it. Three weeks later as I’m brushing my teeth, I notice the morning light reflect off a hair on the side of my head. As I mean in for a closer look, I find three more grey hairs in the same spot! So it’s true! You pluck a hair and three grow back in its place. I almost choke on my toothbrush. I can’t leave the grey hairs in place. So out come the tweezers and I pluck all three hairs out of my head.

What an amazing Australia Day long weekend we’ve had. I spent Saturday catching up with new friends, my buddy group friends from the on-line forum pages I frequent. The following day we drive out to dad’s place and have a wonderful lunch with dad, my brother L and his girlfriend K. DH and my dad have one too many beers and it’s time to head back to Sydney. On Monday we invite family and friends over for an Aussie Day BBQ. Is wonderful spending public holiday with close family and close friends.

My weekend euphoria has been shattered. DH and I just found out that our friend S has tried to take his own life. S has been rushed to ICU in a coma but we’ve been told it’s not looking good. Unfortunately S’s wife found him hanging in the backyard yesterday barely breathing. Again, I am numb with emotions. Or maybe I’m just confused about what to feel. I’m angry at S for wanting to end his life but so upset and sorry for his young wife.
Two days later, the life support is switched off and S passes away peaceful… just as he wanted.

I’m a mess. DH is a mess. We talk about S and try to find answers to our questions but nothing helps. Jessie suggests we disappear for the weekend; to her Grandparents house down on the south coast. Count me in! I need escape for few days and deal with feelings.

The following day I collect Jessie and head south out of Sydney. The ipod is pumping out some great travel tunes and we talk and talk and talk all the way. I’m beginning to feel better with every kilometre driven. A beach side getaway is just what I need!

Jessie and I wake up the following morning to a glistening day. We strip our clothes, put on our bikinis and race to the beach. The minute I dive into the fresh water I can feel the stress, anxiety and negative thoughts wash away. The salt water evaporates all my needs and wants. We lie on the sand for hours talking about the past and trying to predict the future. Shit! Shit! Shit! It finally dawns on me that I’d probably just ovulated on the beach with Jessie lying beside me and DH 350 kms away. Oh well….. there goes my fertile moment for the month of January. I cannot believe we’ve missed another month! Silly Season Amnesia is very serious medical condition! I’m beginning to panic now as the year is almost over and we’ve been TTC for 10 months. DH is rousing on me for irresponsible reproduction behaviour for I am ovulating whilst taking unauthorised vacation with Jessie. Oops!

Christmas, New Year & summer sun

Christmas is just around the corner. How wonderful to be celebrating the birth of a child. DH and I say it’ll be the last Christmas celebrated as a childless couple. It’ll be the last grandchildless Christmas for our parents also. But my TTC brain kindly reminds me that had we fallen pregnant on our first attempt (like so many other couples do) we would be holding our two week old baby right now. Ouch. That kick in the guts really hurts! Must remain positive. If all goes according to my new TTC plan which begins in late February, will be holding one month old this time next year.

New Years Eve is here. We are headed to Bowral for a friends wedding. Is lovely to be out of Sydney and breathing in the fresh air of the countryside. Is also lovely to be spending such quality time with close friends. The wedding ceremony is beautiful and intimate and we all head to the vineyard restaurant for the wedding reception. Ah, Mr Blanc is ready and waiting for me. Hello old friend! As the night progresses, Mr Blanc and I have a wonderful time. We dance and dance and suddenly it hits me. Is today CD17? Is today my ovulation day. I’m positive I have just ovulated on the dance floor. I rush to the toilet and check cervical mucous but am too drunk to decipher if fertile or not. Damn. As I emerge from the toilet someone wishes me Happy New Year. What the? Oh my goodness. I just missed the New Years Eve countdown whilst checking my cervical mucous in the toilet. I look around and see DH also emerging from male toilets. We both missed the countdown! We have a little New Year kiss and giggle at our silliness.

The following day the newly married couple have a One Day Anniversary party at a nearby rented house. Is a wonderful day although Mr Hangover decided to stick around until 3pm and torture me with his nonsense. It’s now dusk and time to leave the party. There are approximately 10 close friends still lingering so we all head back to our accommodation and kick on. It is such a lovely evening and no one wants it to end. We sit around the kitchen island bench eating pizza and chit chatting. DH then begins to tell everyone his wishes for 2009. His speech is heartfelt and full of inspiration. I cannot believe DH feels comfortable enough to tell all our friends that we’ve been TTC. I am shocked at this but proud as punch! We then go around the circle and everyone voices their wishes for 2009. Am so lucky to have such amazing friends.

Back in Sydney and it’s so nice living near the ocean. Absolutely blissful. Our Christmas holidays are so far consisting of walks along the beach, a coffee from our favourite gelato shop, reading our books on the sunny balcony, fresh sandwiches and salads for lunch, maybe a snooze in my hammock & afternoon swims in the ocean. Our skin is glowing and we are fit and healthy. Must be the sea air! We are Face of Fertility!

Vile Chinese herbs

The Chinese herbs are ready to be consumed. They look vile and smell like dirty muddy water. DH has been told there is a month’s supply of herbs for him to consume 5 times a day. My poor poor DH. He is so strong and determined and won’t show any sign of fear.
DH opens the hatch and down goes the herbs. I’m so proud of him!

Mr S tells us we have to burn a large Moxa incense stick over DH’s body for 20 minutes every night. This will promote blood flow and treat a deficiency of ‘yang’ energy in the body. We’re told to burn it outside because the smell is very strong. Unfortunately we live in an apartment and don’t have the luxury of a large spacious balcony. So DH lays on the carpet near the open balcony door ready for me to wave the incense over his body. I light up the incense stick and place the lit end about half an inch off DH’s skin. Within 30 seconds we are giggling like school kids. The smell is over powering and smells identical to marijuana. No wonder we’re meant to be burning this outside, the smell is intoxicating!

I know I’m not meant to waiver my belief in TCM, but what if it doesn’t work for us. Cannot believe we might be with IVF. I’ve always been fascinated by IVF (thanks to my addiction of TV medical programs) but I never ever thought I’d be undertaking IVF. Having a baby is meant to be the most natural thing in the world. It’s why God made males and females. To procreate and flourish our world with screaming kids. Why, then are DH and I not given this privilege? Have we been bad in a past life? Have we been bad in this life? I don’t want to think about a life without children. I want to wipe snotty noses, clean up vomit and give my son’s girlfriend the cold shoulder. I want those things too. That is why DH and I will give up all dignity. We’ll become pin cushions for nurses, drink horrid Chinese herbs, burn marijuana like incense in our living room and pull our pants down. Surely having our own family is worth all this.

A fellow TTCer in my online buddy group has recommend the latest craze – SMEP aka Sperm Meets Egg Plan. The plan gives you the best odds of ensuring that the sperm gets to your egg. You begin BD from CD10 and continue to BD every 2nd day until you get a positive OPK. Once you get a positive OPK, BD for 3 days in a row, skip a day and BD one more time (just for good measure). I explain all this to DH and I see his face flinch. Conclusion: DH doesn’t care about the plan. He’s just keen to BD every 2nd day for two weeks! Must implement sexy & romantic evening for O time.
• O time has arrived. My day consists of the following:
6.00am Alarm sounds. Stick seedy mercury thermometer in mouth. Wait 5 minutes.
6.05am Turn bed side lamp on (which wake up grumpy husband) and try to distinguish my temperature reading. 36.12. Yippee! Must be ovulating today! Record temperature in mobile phone ready to transfer this data on charting website later.
2.00pm Alarm sounds. Take plastic cup and ovulation test stick to the toilet. Manage to splash pee on stick, hand and seat.
2.03pm After washing my hands and disinfecting toilet seat, I check test stick for result. It’s positive! Tonight’s the night but do not tell DH in case he feels under pressure.
2.05pm Insert fingers into vagina and check cervical mucous. Looking good! Is clear and stretchy between fingers and resembles egg whites. Smells gross but certainly fertile.
6.00pm have read that males are most fertile between 5pm and 7pm. Decide to seduce DH before making less than satisfactory dinner.
6.05pm slip into sexy underwear and call DH to the bedroom. We try foreplay but DH is hungry.
6.07pm BD! BD! BD!
6.20pm DH leaves the room to watch to watch Fox Sports News. I swing my legs into the air and begin to cycle. I’ve heard that cycling your legs in the air helps the swimmers down to egg.
6.40pm DH screams at me from the lounge room about his hunger pains.

The following afternoon and it’s time to BD again. DH and I are still keen but not quite so enthusiastic.
Day three arrives and all motivation is gone. No more foreplay. No more kissing. Just BD for the sake of conception. Very unromantic. I bet somewhere in the world, right at this moment, a women is having crazy, passionate sex with random stranger from nightclub and manages to conceive.

This time next week is testing day. My FF chart is looking good, but it always looks good at this time of every month. My temp is up today so I’m having a good day. It’s hard to believe that for 28 years of my life I had no idea that my body temperature fluctuated at all and now it indicates whether I’m having a good day (high temp) or bad day (low temp).

I’m currently CD28 and due to test in two days. My temp has hit it’s highest peak ever, 37.11!! Woo Hoo! I must be pregnant. It has never reached that kinda of height before. I cannot wipe the smile from my face all day. On the way home from work, I spot a car with the license plate number BFP-157. Could this be a sign from God? A sign from my angels? I take a walk down to the beach and watch the colours change over the water and sky. As I sit on the rocks, I plan my life for the next 9 months. Feeling very blissful as I rub my belly.
A smile begins to spread across my face. Maybe there is light at the end of the tunnel. Later that night, I watch my DH drink his horrid chinese herbs and my heart begins to break. The chances of ever conceiving without IVF are so slim.

Blissfulness has disappeared and devastation arrives. Just found out our very close friends, The J family are expecting baby number two. DH and I sit in silence for a moment, trying to overcome the kick in guts and get our breath back. Then we jump up and congratulate them! Very happy news! Their first baby, our beloved God Daughter was conceived on their first attempt and now we find out their second baby is also conceived on their first attempt. They tell us they planned to begin TTC for this exact month. I can’t even plan a pregnancy between now and menopause. Am feeling very shocked by the baby news. I can’t believe my GF beat me in the baby race. I guess she beat me by a nose……. And ears, and eyes and little legs! It must feel amazing to be super fertile. Am green with envy! Am also extremely happy for them. I don’t ever want my friends to experience this horrid TTC rollercoaster.

Whilst online today I came across a forum about IVF clinics in Sydney. Many women are leaving one clinic because of old fashioned technology. The latest IVF clinic to open in Sydney is trialling world renowned techniques and getting better results. So I’ve decided DH and I will also visit this new clinic when the time comes. I call and made an appt with Dr L for February. The pressure of TTC is starting to get to me again. We need medical intervention. Actually we need a divine intervention! I don’t think DH can take the herbs much longer. The weight needs to be shifted to someone else now. I tell DH about our appt and he is happy. Must feel like a weight has been lifted from his testicles.