Stilettos, Fires & Grey hairs

I was in the lunch room chit chatting about my impending two year wedding anniversary, when my work colleague said
“Two years of marriage and no kids yet. Are you going to begin trying soon?”
Just as I was about to blow my stack, I took a deep breath and let out a big sigh.
“Actually, we’ve been trying for nearly 12 months”
She started to mumble an apology and left the lunch room quickly. I don’t know who felt more uncomfortable; me or her!
Finally I said it out loud! I am a married woman trying to conceive a baby. The words feel strange on your tongue but strangely easy to say out loud.

I had coffee with a girlfriend today. She asked me about out TTC efforts and I said no success as yet. My GF then said DH and I should go away for a weekend, drink some beer & wine and relax a little. Because we’re bound to fall pregnant if we learn to relax a little. My immediate reaction was to punch her in the nose, however it dawned on me that some people are just uneducated about TTC. Don’t people realise that DH and I have been alone for 6 years and drank copious amounts of alcohol – this formula doesn’t work!
My smug mug (did I mention pregnant) GF begins to complain about her wardrobe and how nothing fits anymore. So being the fabulous GF that I am, I push past my jealously and offer to go shopping with her. It occurs to me that she is actually wearing her husbands t-shirt over a long skirt. Poor thing! It must be awful not to be fashionable anymore. Suddenly a warm glow begins to fill me. Could this be the feeling of satisfaction? Yes, yes I think it is! I may have just found the secret to TTC happiness. My wardrobe! I can still wear skinny jeans, stilettos, fabulous snug dresses.

A girl in my on-line buddy group discovered she is pregnant. We’re all thrilled for her as she has been TTC for over 12 months and unfortunately had to endure a miscarriage. But after a successful month using the SMEP, she is pregnant! Maybe it’s time to revisit this one. I begin my web surfing and find an article on SMEP for couples with a low sperm count. Bingo! As I read through the article, I discover it’s best to BD every third day as apposed to every second day. The bonus of BD every third day is it gives males suffering from low sperm count a chance to replenish their reserves. Sounds interesting! I discuss SMEP with DH and we decide to give it a go next cycle if this one fails.

DH and I had a big fight. Another argument over TTC and how stupid and obsessed I’m becoming. He’s right. I am mad woman. I try and apologise for my obnoxious wild ways but DH has had enough and storms out of the room. I am too scared to follow him! He finally emerges 15 minutes later and gives me a cuddle. He tells me this is hard for him too. I cannot believe how blessed I am to having such a loving and understanding husband when I am such a bugger. You know, part of why I get so angry (and who could forget upset) is because DH is going to make such a fantastic dad one day. It upsets me it’s not happening as quickly as it should. Ah, coulda woulda shoulda!

It’s Saturday afternoon and I’m still in my PJ’s. Our modified SMEP method failed! I’m debating whether to continue crying or have a breakdown. Hmmmm. Let’s continue with crying on the couch and then I’ll see how I feel after that. I cry because this is the 12th period to arrive since we embarked on our TTC adventure; I cry because 12 months is a long time to strive for our common goal; I cry because I’ve experienced 12 bouts of horrid IPS; I cry because our BD efforts were useless; I cry because I’ve worked out my baby’s EDD 12 times. I sit on the couch and switch on the telly. I need a distraction before my tears ducts dry up. A news bulletin tells me there are fires burning out of control across Victoria. The images on the television are from a war-torn country, surely. This cannot be Victoria, Australia. I watch the television transfixed and begin to surf different channels for more news. Same story, same image, same sadness. Oh, how awful for these communities. Devastated by a fire that someone idiot has purposefully started. The authorities are now predicting certain deaths as many communities were unable to escape the fast paced movement of the fire. My own sadness is completely forgotten as I watch news reel after news reel of devastating footage. How blessed I am! I have a roof over my head, food in the fridge, a husband who adores me, a job to go to everyday. These images have put things into perspective for me. I am blessed to have what I have.

It’s nearing the end of February and it’s time for my monthly visit to my hairdresser. I casually mention my grey hair meltdown in conversation and S just laughs and says “Babe, you should see the crown of your head!”. I’m godsmacked!! I have grey hairs in another spot. Why has no one cared enough to tell me? This is wrong. This is bad. This is a disaster. I consider colouring my hair but S say’s it’s not that bad yet. Really? Could have fooled me. Greys hairs and no kids to blame it on sounds like a disaster to me!

Loss of a friend & Silly Season Amnesia

DH and I are BD every second day whilst on our annual leave break trying desperately for a miracle. But it happens again. A visit to the toilet proves we’re unsuccessful again. Thank goodness for ice cream, pasta, chocolate and wine (in that order). At least the wine numbs the pain and pulls me into a drunken stupor! I cannot stand the disappointment yet again.

I’ve decided to leave the Tourism industry! Mainly because the pay sucks and I want to be closer to home. Maybe I’m feeling the urge to nest? I find my ancient resume and begin to update it. A friend mentioned I should list my hobbies on the resume as it shows employers you’re personality. Hobbies? Checking my temperature, Peeing on ovulation sticks, checking my cervical mucous. That should show my future employer that I am full of personality.

I just found my first grey hair!!! This isn’t happening. I’m only 28 years old. Far too young for grey hairs. I can’t go grey yet. I still need to have a family. Actually, aren’t kids the cause of grey hairs? That’s what my mother tells me.
This is wrong. This is bad. This is a disaster. I quickly pluck it out and try to forget about it. Three weeks later as I’m brushing my teeth, I notice the morning light reflect off a hair on the side of my head. As I mean in for a closer look, I find three more grey hairs in the same spot! So it’s true! You pluck a hair and three grow back in its place. I almost choke on my toothbrush. I can’t leave the grey hairs in place. So out come the tweezers and I pluck all three hairs out of my head.

What an amazing Australia Day long weekend we’ve had. I spent Saturday catching up with new friends, my buddy group friends from the on-line forum pages I frequent. The following day we drive out to dad’s place and have a wonderful lunch with dad, my brother L and his girlfriend K. DH and my dad have one too many beers and it’s time to head back to Sydney. On Monday we invite family and friends over for an Aussie Day BBQ. Is wonderful spending public holiday with close family and close friends.

My weekend euphoria has been shattered. DH and I just found out that our friend S has tried to take his own life. S has been rushed to ICU in a coma but we’ve been told it’s not looking good. Unfortunately S’s wife found him hanging in the backyard yesterday barely breathing. Again, I am numb with emotions. Or maybe I’m just confused about what to feel. I’m angry at S for wanting to end his life but so upset and sorry for his young wife.
Two days later, the life support is switched off and S passes away peaceful… just as he wanted.

I’m a mess. DH is a mess. We talk about S and try to find answers to our questions but nothing helps. Jessie suggests we disappear for the weekend; to her Grandparents house down on the south coast. Count me in! I need escape for few days and deal with feelings.

The following day I collect Jessie and head south out of Sydney. The ipod is pumping out some great travel tunes and we talk and talk and talk all the way. I’m beginning to feel better with every kilometre driven. A beach side getaway is just what I need!

Jessie and I wake up the following morning to a glistening day. We strip our clothes, put on our bikinis and race to the beach. The minute I dive into the fresh water I can feel the stress, anxiety and negative thoughts wash away. The salt water evaporates all my needs and wants. We lie on the sand for hours talking about the past and trying to predict the future. Shit! Shit! Shit! It finally dawns on me that I’d probably just ovulated on the beach with Jessie lying beside me and DH 350 kms away. Oh well….. there goes my fertile moment for the month of January. I cannot believe we’ve missed another month! Silly Season Amnesia is very serious medical condition! I’m beginning to panic now as the year is almost over and we’ve been TTC for 10 months. DH is rousing on me for irresponsible reproduction behaviour for I am ovulating whilst taking unauthorised vacation with Jessie. Oops!

Christmas, New Year & summer sun

Christmas is just around the corner. How wonderful to be celebrating the birth of a child. DH and I say it’ll be the last Christmas celebrated as a childless couple. It’ll be the last grandchildless Christmas for our parents also. But my TTC brain kindly reminds me that had we fallen pregnant on our first attempt (like so many other couples do) we would be holding our two week old baby right now. Ouch. That kick in the guts really hurts! Must remain positive. If all goes according to my new TTC plan which begins in late February, will be holding one month old this time next year.

New Years Eve is here. We are headed to Bowral for a friends wedding. Is lovely to be out of Sydney and breathing in the fresh air of the countryside. Is also lovely to be spending such quality time with close friends. The wedding ceremony is beautiful and intimate and we all head to the vineyard restaurant for the wedding reception. Ah, Mr Blanc is ready and waiting for me. Hello old friend! As the night progresses, Mr Blanc and I have a wonderful time. We dance and dance and suddenly it hits me. Is today CD17? Is today my ovulation day. I’m positive I have just ovulated on the dance floor. I rush to the toilet and check cervical mucous but am too drunk to decipher if fertile or not. Damn. As I emerge from the toilet someone wishes me Happy New Year. What the? Oh my goodness. I just missed the New Years Eve countdown whilst checking my cervical mucous in the toilet. I look around and see DH also emerging from male toilets. We both missed the countdown! We have a little New Year kiss and giggle at our silliness.

The following day the newly married couple have a One Day Anniversary party at a nearby rented house. Is a wonderful day although Mr Hangover decided to stick around until 3pm and torture me with his nonsense. It’s now dusk and time to leave the party. There are approximately 10 close friends still lingering so we all head back to our accommodation and kick on. It is such a lovely evening and no one wants it to end. We sit around the kitchen island bench eating pizza and chit chatting. DH then begins to tell everyone his wishes for 2009. His speech is heartfelt and full of inspiration. I cannot believe DH feels comfortable enough to tell all our friends that we’ve been TTC. I am shocked at this but proud as punch! We then go around the circle and everyone voices their wishes for 2009. Am so lucky to have such amazing friends.

Back in Sydney and it’s so nice living near the ocean. Absolutely blissful. Our Christmas holidays are so far consisting of walks along the beach, a coffee from our favourite gelato shop, reading our books on the sunny balcony, fresh sandwiches and salads for lunch, maybe a snooze in my hammock & afternoon swims in the ocean. Our skin is glowing and we are fit and healthy. Must be the sea air! We are Face of Fertility!