Sit and exist

Space. To fill it or find it?

I just finished reading an article about a columnist wanting to find space in her life. Space to reflect on phone calls, emails and even meditation. The columnist talks about people in her life who schedule 15 minutes in their diary after each appointment in order to sit back and reflect on what just happened. This provides space to reflect and decide what your next move.

Space is easy to create though right? I find it incredibly easy however my lifestyle is pretty streamlined. I don’t go to a gym; I enjoy walking my dog instead. I catch the bus to work; this provides me precious reading time. I don’t play competitive sports; instead I enjoy attending the odd yoga session. I’m a bit of a homebody really. I have a lot of time on my hands and this creates a lot of space in my life. Space to reflect. Space to exist. And space to research our next fertility move.

Surely some people would disagree that finding space is easy. Once you’ve got space, it’s a challenge to not fill it with wasted opportunities. I know plenty of people who waste space once they’ve got it. My husband is one of those people. His diary scares me. His days are full of appointments, phone calls, footy training, gym sessions. The poor man never has time to just sit and exist. I’ve sometimes forced him into cancelling engagements so he can relax at home. But my husband was born with ants in his pants. He doesn’t know the meaning of the word relax (unless it involves two weeks holiday and a pina colada). This has created many an argument between us. He thinks I don’t do enough and I think he does too much. It’s tough trying to find a space we can exist and be happy in. Together.

And then a moment is shared. It’s Sunday morning and we decide to grab a coffee and bacon and egg roll before walking along the beach with our pooch. We sit on park bench and fill our space with the smells of coffee, salty air and listen to the waves crashing. It’s our 15 minutes of unspoken bliss. Our spaces cross paths as we sit and exist.

Career vs Fears

How on earth did it take me 21 months to finally jump ship? I clearly remember blogging about finding a new job last summer. So why did it take me this long to shake off the fear of leaving a company I’ve spent nearly half my life at?

What was I scared of? Rejection? Pressure? Stepping out of my comfort zone? Or was it just missing my routine? If I was an astrology believer, than the answer would be that Mercury was retrograde!

I’m a Taurean and part of being born in the month of April is I love routine. I hate trying new things. I’m very much a creature of habit. So finding the courage to quit my job and find a new one is incredibly daunting. Especially when IVF rules your life.

But it dawned on me in late August, if I can try IVF and subject myself to endless invasive tests and surgeries, than surely starting a new job after 13 years would be a walk in the park! One of the reasons I delayed finding a new job was due to location. How silly is that! You see our IVF clinic is located one block away from my office. A pretty easy commute for bloods tests and ultrasounds don’t you think. I figured my life would become far more complicated if I found a new job that was miles away from the IVF clinic.

But you have to jump sometimes for the net to appear.

I found new job. A new job so amazing I’m almost pinching myself. OUCH … that hurt! The interview went well and I had a good vibe about the office, staff and role. And to my utter amazement, I got the position. I’m now Operations Manager for a leading inbound travel operator.

My role will see me travelling internationally, managing less staff and my salary has increased by $20k. And the best part is my office is only 3 blocks from the IVF clinic.

My old fears routine and location have finally taken a hike.

Tick tock of regrets

Ah, regrets. We’ve all got a few but I’m having trouble deciding whether this is one of them; waiting to late in life to have children.

The steady tick tock of my biological clock only kicked in a few years ago and it refuses to stop. It’s the 'tick tock' that keeps me motivated in this quest for motherhood. It spurs me on to research our fertility issues and prove Mother Nature wrong.

Biologically, women are designed to have children in their 20s. I was 26 years old when I got married and 27 years old when hubby and I decided we were ready for parenthood. Society tells us we must find a partner, date at least 2 years, marry and then begin procreating. But I'm beginning to think conformity can be cruel sometimes as can the big guy upstairs. Hubby and I conformed and followed tradition, however tradition has let us down.

Our bodies won’t allow us to have children the old fashioned way. Lucky for us, we live in the 21st century where medical science can assist us. Well, i hope medical science can assist us. But three years on and we’re still no closer to parenthood. The tick tock noise is constantly ringing and I fear getting older. Each time I blow out my birthday candles, I sense another fertile year is lost. It would be nice to rewind the biological clock.

All my research shows that the older you get, the more complications increase. There is an increased risk of miscarriage, a decline in fertility, complicated pregnancies and difficult births. Not to mention the risk of having a baby with abnormalities or Down syndrome.

I don’t believe 27 years of age is old to begin trying for children. In fact, many of my friends would consider this young. It pains me to realise I could be trying for my 2nd child by now if things had worked out at the tender age of 27. But the older I get, the more I think I’ve missed the boat biologically? Maybe hubby and I waited too long. Maybe this is a regret. The pressure to procreate and beat the clock is so prevalent it’s almost palpable.

Regret? My answer is maybe.