Slow motion

It's time. I've had a great break from all things baby related and now it's time to get this ball rolling again and jump back on the TTC wagon.

I was at a baby shower a few weeks ago .... Hubby came along with me .... and within an hour of being at the shower, admiring my friends gorgeous baby bump, feeling the love and support the soon to be parents had ...... I got it. I started feeling, craving and yearning for a bub in my arms again.

It was in that moment that I realised it was time to start the TTC process again. 

Slowly.

I want to take this slowly and make sure I've made the right decision. At the moment it feels 89.4541321650% right. So I went to the compounding chemist and filled my scripts. I've started back on DHEA and Melatonin again. This time Devora has me taking CoQ10, Inositol and L-Arginine twice a day. 

I'm eating healthy and exercising regularly.  

I've started meditating and my yoga class begins next week. 

 A few more months of this and we'll see if I'm ready to commit to the IVF cycle. 

Stay tuned! 

B xx

Knowing what I know now

Knowing what I know now, I wish we had done this sooner. Two and a half years and it’s still a living hell. It’s been invasive; it’s been confusing. I’m afraid and I’m sad. I feel hopeless, afraid and guilty all at the same time. No one understands the daily struggle and I fear my own reaction to these struggles. Knowing what I know now, we should have done this sooner.

Most of all I feel unsettled and angry. My life constantly feels on hold. It’s impossible to make a decision about my future. I simply cannot make a decision about holidays, career, education courses, moving house, having a dog or eating out. The more I try and struggle with infertility, the less control I have. The more questions you ask, the more you struggle. Should I try the new expensive fertility drug? Should I undergo further expensive testing? Should we attempt adoption? It’s unsettling to have no guarantees.

I’m angry at my body for betraying me and I’m angry at my husbands body for betraying him. Our anger is easily misdirected at times. We fight. We argue. We never seem to be on the same page in this infertile journey at the same time. It tears us apart some days but we’re closer than ever because of it. My anger gets directed at my family. My younger brother has a son. My mum use to tell me when I was younger that she was very fertile and surely I would be too. What a lie! It makes me sad to see my parents show off their grandson. Being the oldest sibling, wasn’t I entitled to bare the first grandchild for them?

I’m angry at my Doctor because she controls our future and charges us for it. My doctor rips me of my dignity and invades my privacy. She also inflicts pain on me. This is humiliating. My husband and I make so many sacrifices to pay the medical bills and our health insurance company barely provides anything in return.

Finally, I'm angry at everyone else. Everyone has opinions about our quest for parenthood. Everyone has easy solutions. Everyone tells you to relax. Everyone seems to say too much.

Someone once old me ‘It’s not the journey, but the destination’. But what if this is wrong? Maybe in my situation “It’s not the destination, but the journey’. Today I begin a new journey. Today I seek my STORK.

One day my struggle with infertility will cease. It will never disappear but it will change me. I yearn for the day I’m not controlled by this struggle but I’ve accepted I cannot return to the person I once was. When it does cease I will be left with a bucket load of empathy.

Not many eggs left

It’s been a few weeks now since our first failed ICSI cycle. Still feeling a bit raw and a bit numb. There is a bitter taste in my mouth – that familiar taste of failure. It’s a distinct flavour that makes me feel ill 24/7 and I can’t wait for the taste to disappear. Maybe another bottle of wine will help?

Not only am I feeling raw and numb but also very upset. Part of my important support network has disappeared. Why? Too hard to explain. But I’ll do my best.

EPU is a very personal and private day. My husband was the only person I wanted to see on the day. He’s my best friend, the best support person and he also has the important job of providing sperm to the scientist! I also knew that Id be feeling a bit zombie like after the operation and would no doubt sleep most of the day away.

Now, a VIP in my life was hurt by my decision to not include them in my EPU day. This VIP chose to tell me about their feelings of rejection the day after my EPU, moments before my Dr called me with the devastating news of our fertilization results. Needless to say, this VIP chose THE worse moment to open up to me. I’m sure I was aggressive and witch like during our phone conversation and to be honest I don’t remember what I said. But I was hurt by the lack of post-op support and I was hurt by the comments made.

This was my moment to wallow. My pity party. And I don’t remember inviting anyone else to steal it from me.



My FS called a few days after the EPU and told me I probably suffer from LOR or low ovarian reserve. This simply means I don’t have many eggs left.

Whoa. Hold up a minute. Not many eggs left? I’m 29 years old for f@cks sake! How on earth did that happen?

FS has recommended a new drug called DHEA (sounds like a law enforcement agency). The drug is meant to improve my ovarian function and stimulate whatever eggs I do have left.

Time to sign off for a few months. Time to relax and let this DHEA do it's thing.