Thursday, 30 October 2008

Prenatal depression & weddings

Such a busy month ahead. DH and I have two sets of very close friends getting married this month. With marriage also comes hens’ days and bucks days. This also coincides with silly season. My favourite time of the year!

I must have visited the loo a dozen times yesterday expecting to see AF but ….. zip, zilch, nada, nothing. I’ve looked everywhere for her! My vagina, my knickers and still She is hiding from me. Where could she be? This got me thinking. I was curious to know what my body was doing. Was AF torturing me with her mind games or could I possibly be pregnant? I know the chances are slim but I must remain positive. I make the decision to buy a HPT on the way home from work.

I walk into the chemist and purchase a HPT. Before I get to the counter, I also have chocolate, tampons, Revlon make-up (on sale!), overnight pads and naprogesic in my basket. The woman behind the counter gives me s strange look but I can’t work out why. Maybe I have something in my teeth? After buying the HPT, I raced home and skulled a glass of water. My last toilet visit was 4.30pm (in the office) and I tested at 6.30pm (at home). I was slightly nervous and watched the stick like a hawk. My eyes never left the bloody stick. Unfortunately after 3 minutes, nothing had appeared. No pink line at all. So I’m back to square one again. Where the hell is AF and what is keeping her from visiting me? I felt lost. I felt alone. I felt sad. So I jumped into the shower because that always makes me feel better. Then the flood gates were opened… my tears began to fall and disappeared under the shower stream. I cried for the BFN. I cried for the fear I was feeling. I cried for how awful DH must be feeling. I cried …. Because I needed to cry. DH then came home and discovered me in the shower crying. He asked me what was wrong and my reply was ‘I’m OK. I just needed a good cry’. After drying myself off and jumping into some comfy clothes, we cooked dinner together. I tried so hard to be light hearted and full of spirit…. But something had turned off inside of me. I was overly sensitive and hated it. Yet I couldn’t control it. DH made a silly comment about a facial expression I was pulling and I started crying all over again. I retreated to the bedroom with DH following me. Why do men always say the stupidest things? DH said ‘Cheer up. Tomorrow’s a new day’. I know this should be comforting…… but I need him to say ‘Babe, this sucks’. I needed sympathy, not cheering up.

After my meltdown yesterday I am feeling better today. Still no AF and my waking temp this morning was 36.72 (yesterday was 36.56). This to me means AF is still another day or two away. I know I’m not UTD because a BFN told me so! Yet, my stupid TTC brain tells me ‘Maybe you are UTD’. During my lunch break, I quickly log on to the internet and google articles where late BFP’s are mentioned. So many pages to read!! Jackpot! There are heaps of women who didn’t give get a BFP until 7 or 8 weeks. Ha! I’m only 5 weeks.

Today is TCM appt day. DH and I are both excited because it feels like the next step towards our goal – creating our own people. DH collects me from work and he cross the Harbour Bridge and beyond to see our TCM guru, Mr S. I’m so happy DH is willing to try herbs and acupuncture. This approach just feels right because we both want to conceive our baby the old fashioned way. Mr S seems to think he can definitely help us. He wanted DH to have another SA test first because he feels the sperm count is too low and he also wanted me to have an ultrasound. I guess to check my tubes are blocked. Mr S checked my blood flow and pulse (?) and sent us away without charging us a cent. Yippee! He wants us to come back when we get the test results.

The following Tuesday I visit my GP, Dr J for the SA and ultrasound referrals. I also mention to her that AF is way overdue. A quick urine test and the result is negative – no surprise there! So Dr J gives me referrals for SA test and ultrasound and told me she supported the TCM method. This is music to my eyes. I think I’m falling in love with Dr J.

Two days later, I’m at home preparing dinner and suddenly feel a wetness between my legs. AF has found me after 39 days. I search for Mr Blanc, sit on the couch and have a little cry. A few moments later and I’m OK. I tell myself again and again, I’m another cycle closer to my baby.

So Nath abstained for two weeks before the next SA test thinking it would build up his reserves. He took his sample to the pathology place on 17OCT and the test results came back even worse. This time there was no sperm to be found.

A few days later and it’s my turn. I consume an unnatural amount of fluid, walk into the clinic, drop my dacks and spread my legs for the technician. Kinda feel like I’m in my early twenties again! The ultrasound room is amazing. Feel like I’m in futuristic hospital. There is a huge plasma for me to watch my ovaries, eggs, tubes and cervix. The technician scans over my ovaries and tells me I’m about to ovulate from my right ovary. I can see the egg ready to pop out. Is amazing to see insides on big plasma. After the scan, she sends me to the loo to relieve myself…. And what a relief it is. I walk back into the room and she asks me to sit back on the chair, it’s time for the internal scan. What the ? No one mentioned an internal to me. But I bite the bullet and say ‘Ok’. I nearly laughed when the technician rolled a condom onto the ultrasound probe and covered it in lubricant. This is wrong, wrong, wrong. An uncomfortable ten minutes later and I’m leaving the clinic with the knowledge that everything inside looks healthy and normal. My baby oven is ready. *sigh*

We’re not sure what to do from here. It’s almost like hitting a fork in the road. Do we take the TCM option and try herbs to improve DH’s swimmers? Or do we make our appt with IVF clinic and bite the western bullet? This certainly isn’t the time to be discussing our options. We have two weddings on this week; Friday and Saturday. DH is very distracted as he is apart of them both. We’ll have to wait til next week to discuss and decide what to do.

That’s it. I’m over the obsession of TTC. I need to reconnect with the human race again. I try so hard to stay clear of TTC websites but it’s a weakness. I need my daily fix of TTC data. However I totally stop checking temps, stop peeing on sticks and begin to drink copious amounts of wine. I reconnect with an old friend named Mr Blanc. After all, it is silly season. I am beginning to think I might be one of those women who stop thinking about getting pregnant and then do! So at every opportunity I get, I accept social invites that involve Mr Blanc, dancing and well… acting wild. Somehow, through the haze of my daily hangover’s I forget to have sex with DH. DH also forgets to have sex with me.

My brother’s GF emailed me today to say her sister had a baby boy over the weekend. Unfortunately she is also suffering from a mild case of postnatal depression. Poor thing. Hmmmm, is there such a thing as prenatal depression? If yes, I could be sufferer! I begin to google prenatal depression. DAMN! Is depression for pregnant women only. Symptoms include anxiety, irritability and sadness. What the? What do pregnant women have to anxious, irritable or sad about? They are with child!! I display each of these symptoms every 5 minutes. Surely prenatal depression needs to be investigated further a field! I am prime candidate for such experiment.

DH called Mr S at TCM clinic and mentioned we have our test results back. We see Mr S the next day and he goes over our results. He’s not happy with the latest SA test and said the testing was not thorough enough. He’s pleased with my results and says I’m fine and will not be requiring any TCM treatment. We must focus our attention on DH now. We hand over $450 for chinese herbs and are told to come back in two days to collect the medicine as it must be brewed specifically for DH. We’ve just made a 3 month commitment to TCM. It takes sperm three months to mature, so our efforts next month should have promising results in three months time! We are most excited!

The emotional rollercoaster continues today. I don’t want to attend any more family get togethers until I have baby in my arms. But another family birthday lunch is looming. I know both our families look at us and hope for the announcement of an expecting baby. Feel guilty for not having any news to deliver. Poor DH must feel 1000 times worse about it. I think our parents are beginning to lose hope of ever having grandchildren. If we are not pregnant by Christmas, I think we may have to skip town. I don’t think my emotions will allow for another get together with no happy news to bear.

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