Sunday, 23 December 2012

Scared to leave

This sense of fear is digging itself deeper and deeper into my bones. It's paralysing and suffocating. It consumes my thoughts and restricts my movements. 

I'm trying SO hard to move forward, move on from this mess.

But the fear is breathtaking and not in a pretty way.

I've tried to leave the house five times today but I keep thinking of excuses to stay indoors. The washing is complete. The bathroom is clean. The sheets are fresh and the laundry is put away. I seriously contemplated organising my bookcase but ate a caramel Tim Tim instead.

It's two sleeps til Santa arrives and I've got so much to buy and so much to organise. This is normally my favourite time of the year - festive celebrations, party invitations, sharing great food and fine wine with family and friends and handing out thoughtful gifts to make my loved ones smile like crazy. I crave normality so badly but 'normal' disappeared 16 days ago. 

I know I'm faking it at the moment. I'm seriously pretending to be OK. My loved ones don't need to know my every thought. If I could leave the house, my first stop would be my GP for help. The trauma of this experience, this pregnancy, this loss, is enough to set me on a path of destruction. Depression has visited me before and I don't particularly want it back again. I need to know the steps to help me avoid this path ...... and try and choose a path that will be rebuild what is broken here. 

But I get the sense no one can help me. No one wants to help me.

Maybe faking it is OK for the moment because our life is messy. Hubby is investing every waking minute into his new business. I'm at home alone all day. Sleep is evading us. We toss and turn and become bitter when dawn breaks. The healthy diet is replaced with too much chocolate, ice cream and cake. I cry every time I hope in the shower because the scars are a permanent reminder of what could have been. 

But I can't fake it forever. Eventually I need to start digging my way out of this pit hole called 'rock bottom'.

Thursday, 20 December 2012


It's already a week since we lost bub.

Seven days & nights of endless tears, constant heartache and an empty womb. It's not just my womb that feels empty, my whole spirit is empty.


adjective, emp·ti·er, emp·ti·est, verb, emp·tied, emp·ty·ing, noun, plural emp·ties.
containing nothinghaving none of the usual or appropriate contents: an empty bottle.
vacant; unoccupied: an empty house.
without cargo or load: an empty wagon.
destitute of people or human activity: We walked along the empty streets of the city at night.
destitute of some quality or qualities; devoid (usually followed by of  ): Theirs is a life now empty of happiness.

The baby clothes are empty.
The baby bottles are empty.
Our house is empty.
Our car is empty.
Our interaction is empty.
And our life certainly feels empty. There is no happiness here anymore.

Tuesday, 18 December 2012

It's finally over

They say you need to hit rock bottom before it gets better.

Here is a sample of my rock bottom.

Last Thursday I woke up around 5am with abdominal pain and lower back pain. I got up out of bed and went to the bathroom and started to feel dizzy and nauseous. I screamed out to DH and he helped me onto the lounge. I could barely talk. My focus was on breathing through the pain. I had so much pressure in my lower abdomen so hubby helped me back to the bathroom but I collapsed on the bathroom floor. I finally found the strength to tell hubby to call me an ambulance.

Within 5 minutes the ambulance had arrived and I was given some morphine to help the pain. Then it was off to hospital.

We arrived around 6am and I was seen to straight away. I explained I was due to have surgery at 5pm today for a cornual ectopic pregnancy. The Dr in emergency explained I'd be having surgery a lot earlier than that as I was bleeding internally - my worse fear confirmed - the pregnancy had ruptured.

It took 4 Dr's and 2 nurses 90 minutes to find a vein in my hand/arm to insert a cannula. I was dehydrated and my veins kept collapsing. The pain was starting to get excruciating not to mention the pain from the cannula attempts. So I kept sniffing the morphine until finally a vein behaved and a cannula inserted into my hand.

Lots of phone calls were made and the surgery was bought forward as quickly as possible. Hubby was beside himself with worry so I asked him to call mum and let her know I was in emergency again.

I was quickly transported to the private hospital, where the surgery was taking place and by that stage my pain was off the charts. I was struggling to breathe normally and taking short swallow breaths. Next, they moved me onto another bed and that was it. I SCREAMED like I've never screamed before.





Hubby and my mum were crying and screaming at the nurses and surgeon to help me. I very clearly remember at this stage sinking to another level of survival. I calmed my breathing, stopped moving, focused on my prayers and willed myself to survive this.

I remember saying goodbye to my husband - telling him he was the man of my dreams and I've never loved someone as much as I loved him.

I remember saying goodbye to my mum - telling her how much I loved her and how sorry I was that she had to go through this.

My last vision was of my mum collapsing against a wall and hubby holding her - both crying.

Then the lights went out ......... and I woke up.

The nurse looked at me and told me I'd survived the surgery. I immediately said a prayer of thanks. Never in my life was I so thankful and grateful to be breathing, pain free, but breathing.

I asked her if I was still pregnant and her answer was no.
I asked her if I still had my uterus and her answer was yes.
I asked her if I needed a blood transfusion and she said nearly but no.
My final question was, "does my husband and mother know I'm ok" and she said yes.

Reuniting with my husband and mother was the best moment of my life. The weight was finally off my shoulders.

Whilst I still grieve and mourn the loss of my 3rd baby, I can't help but feel so thankful to be alive.

I'm now resting at home and the feelings of guilt and selfishness and starting to creep in. My desire and need to have child have not only put my life at risk, but my family and friends have had to endure the prospect of losing a wife, daughter, sister, friend and work colleague.

I knew the chances of an ectopic were higher this time round and I still wanted to attempt it. Does that make my selfish? I never could have foreseen this outcome and in all honesty, I don't think I can ever attempt it again. I can't put my hubby through this again and again and again.

So my initial thoughts are ....... It's finally over. I believe we may need to close the door on this TTC chapter. Typing that sentence brings tears to my eyes because it means our dreams are shattered. But how does one move on from this?

Tuesday, 11 December 2012

CD50 / 29DPO - i'm still pregnant

Yes, you read the title correctly - I am still pregnant.

The surgery on Friday was unsuccessful at locating the ectopic and my Dr was forced to close up. He did find a bulging mass on the right side of my uterus wall but he was not 100% convinced it was the pregnancy.

So imagine my shock and horror when I was wheeled back to the recovery bay area only to discover the surgery had failed.


The Dr came by on Saturday morning and asked me to go home and rest and come back to the hospital on Tuesday for repeats tests.

So today I brought moral support with me - hubby and my mum. Off to the hospital we trot and I'm put through my paces again - more bloods, more scans, more questions.


Located in an awful spot of my uterus wall. Bub is measuring around 5mm and has a heart beat of 105. My heart shattered into a million pieces when the sonographer said it's still non-viable.

I saw my baby's heart beating. I saw the beautiful round spot it occupies in my uterus. I see where it calls home.

And still it's non-viable and I need to end it's life because of a location. A location. WTF?

Dr calls it a cornual ectopic pregnancy and it's the worse kind you can get. Of course it's the worse kind - could only happen to me. The surgery to remove this type of pregnancy is major and life threatening. Four in 11 women die from this type of surgery. The biggest risk is bleeding out and needing a hysterectomy.

Am I scared? I'm petrified.

Am I worried? My anxiety is through the roof.

The surgery is booked for Thursday afternoon and all I can do is pray like crazy everything will be ok.

I'm already so connected to this baby and it's going to tear me apart that surgery on Thursday will end it's life. My focus now is surviving the surgery as best I can.

Friday, 7 December 2012

CCD45 / 25DPO - 3rd time unlucky

hCG is over 3000 however no pregnancy can be found in my uterus.

I'm devastated. I've never felt so alone in all my life.

Why is this happening to us again?

I simply can't believe this is happening again. Another ectopic - my third this year. What the FUCK have I done to deserve this?

My surgery is booked for 4pm today.

Wednesday, 5 December 2012

CD44 / 23DPO - Happy dance

CD44 / 23DPO
15DPO = 49
17DPO = 90
19DPO = 190
21DPO = 469
23DPO = 1500!!!!!!

I'm doing my 30 second happy dance - wanna join me?

I'm now in the 4 digits. How exciting is that! My hCG levels have more than tripled in 48 hours and are currently sitting at 1500. My Dr is very happy and impressed with today's results and she immediately asked me how I was feeling. My answer? I want to vomit - very nauseous.

So....... it's all sounding promising. I'm a little bit more optimistic now .... but still trying to be reserved with my excitement. Until I see a heartbeat I can only be apprehensive it's another ectopic.

PS - Apologises for the quick post, got hundreds of emails to action after taking yesterday off work for my grandmothers funeral.

Monday, 3 December 2012

CD42 / 21DPO - levels are up

CD42 / 21DPO
15DPO = 49
17DPO = 90
19DPO  = 190
Today's level at 21DPO = 469!!!!!!!!

The hospital needed to see me again today. I was soooooooo nervous about today's results. Heart pounding. Feeling nauseous. Fidigity. 

Saturday's (19DPO) hCG levels rose to 190. More than doubled which is good. The clinic nurse made me an emergency appt to have a scan as well - which was super nice of her.

The scan didn't reveal anything. The sonographer told me there was no sac to be seen in the uterus yet, but she didn't expect to see anything with levels of 190. (hCG levels normally have to be in the 2000's to see anything).

The corpus luteum is still on my left ovary and she couldn't see an ectopic on the left or right side. The sonographer did say my levels were doubling and that's what counts.

A few hours later, Lisa (from EPAS clinic) called me with today's results = 469!! She said this was great and again, it's more than doubled.

I'm flying to Brisbane tomorrow to attend my grandmother's funeral. Lisa is a bit concerned about me travelling and has printed off my records in case I miscarry or experience any severe pain whilst in Brisbane. The records will assist the Brisbane Hospital should anything happen. But I know I'll be fine!

The plan from here? Repeat hCG on Wednesday and I'm booked for bloods and another scan on Friday.

Keep those fingers crossed for me ladies!!!!!! 

Saturday, 1 December 2012

CD40 / 19DPO - Hot in the city

Updated to include today's beta hCG results! 

CD40 / 19DPO
15DPO = 49
17DPO = 90
Today's level at 19DPO  = 190!!!

Man, is it hot in Sydney today. It's 4.42pm and it's still 34 degrees. Lucky for me (and Sonny) our house stays quite cool so the heat has been bearable.

I had my third beta hCG blood test this morning ..... but I won't know the results until Monday morning. My anxiety kicked in when I realised that. My first thought was to go to the GP and order an urgent blood test so i'd know the results today. Sounds crazy, but the thought did cross my mind.

Today is all about resting. Minimal housework (sorry hubby!) and just chilaxing with my puppy dog. The pain on my left side is still there. I did notice the pain wasn't as bad last night and it's certainly ok today (probably because I haven't moved from the couch much).

I was tempted to tell my mum about the pregnancy during our phone call today but decided against it. Mum is still mourning the loss of her own mother who died on Wednesday and I don't want to add to her stress.

My mum has always been my cheering squad with every attempt we've made to create our own tribe of little people. But I don't want to worry her until I know for sure whether this bub is sticking around or growing wings.

5w4d today - Bub, you just need to hang in there for another 35 weeks please. Love, your Mama xx

Friday, 30 November 2012

CD39 / 18DPO - Left side pain

CD39 / 18DPO
3rd hCG due tomorrow

Bub is still hanging on. No bleeding. Lots of nausea. Heavy backaches. Bloating. Bit of gas.

But the pain, the pain is starting to get to me.

I've had a dull ache in the left side of my abdomen for 2 weeks. The pain really kicked in around 12DPO which prompted me to POAS in the first place. The pain was similar to when I had the 1st ectopic.

But the difference in this pregnancy is .......... why would I have this pain for 2 weeks? Ectopic pain doesn't normally kick in until around 6w mark. Plus, my pain only intensify's after I eat a big meal. Otherwise it's just a dull ache in my rib.

{Reading the above line back to myself and I'm clutching at straws, aren't I?}

Over and out. I really need to do some work today! 

Thursday, 29 November 2012

CD38 / 17DPO - Numb

CD38 / 17DPO
hCG is 90

Dr just called and told me the hCG level has increased to 90 ..... still very low and just short of doubling.  Was it silly of me to wish, hope and pray for a figure in the 1000's? Of course it was!!

The EPAS (Early Pregnancy Assessment Service) clinic manager met with me at the hospital this morning and we talked about my five year history TTC. It was nice to have someone geniuely listen and take notes. After I finished answering her questions, she was honest and said the chances of a viable pregnancy were slim to none.

And whilst I know this to be a fact, deep down it still cuts like a knife. Razor sharp. Slicing my heart in half.

Just for once, I want someone in my corner cheering a positive outcome. Instead I've had to endure 5 years worth of negative outcomes from every health professional I've encountered.

I'm so over feeling this pain. I'm becoming immune to it in a way. How do I keep doing this? Why do I keep doing this? Maybe children are not part of God's plan for hubby and I.

I'm broken from 2 losses this year. I'm broken from the countless surgeries my poor body has had to suffer over 4 years. I'm a shell of a women and completely numb.

The tears will arrive soon. I'm waiting for them and I hope I'm ready. I just don't want them to arrive at work today.

The plan from here ...... The EPAS clinic want to see me again on Saturday to repeat the beta hCG test. If I don't miscarry before then, I'm scheduled for bloods and another scan on Monday, which is my 6w mark.

My grandmothers funeral is on Tuesday, so I just pray I don't need surgery anytime soon.

If anyone is reading this, could I ask you to say a prayer to your God? I'll be eternally grateful.

B xx

Wednesday, 28 November 2012

CD37 / 16DPO - The bittersweet BFP

Guess what?


I woke up yesterday and my temp was still high so I thought 'what the hell' and took a pregnancy test. I left it on the bathroom counter and jumped in the shower. Low and behold, I stepped out of the shower to find 2 beautiful pink lines on the pregnancy test.

I may have squealed with sweet delight. Sheer happiness washed over me and I screamed, gasped and laughed so hard. Maybe it was finally happening! Our dog Sonny was the first to hear the news - he's gonna be a big brother.

My GP shattered my happy news with seconds of me sitting down in his office. I was told to go straight to hospital.

But 'Why' I asked?

"Because you have a history of ectopic pregnancies and this pregnancy has a 50% chance of being ectopic", he said.

So off to hospital I went. Bloods were drawn and my hCG came back at only 49 (15DPO). Quite low. Hmmm. I had a good cry and pulled it together. (I was by myself because DH had an important job on and I didn't want to worry him). The Dr then sent me for a scan and the sonographer found a small mass on my left ovary. I was told it could be an ectopic but it was too early to tell OR it could be a corpus luteum.

The hospital wants me back tomorrow for a repeat blood test and to meet the EPAS clinic nurse so we can put a plan in place.

In other sad news .... must be a week for it ...... my poor grandmother passed away this morning. RIP Grandma. I'm feeling overly emotional and just want some good news now ..... enough with the bad news.

Monday, 26 November 2012

CD35 and counting

CD35 / 14DPO

Figured the wicked witch would be here by now. Was checking every 10 minutes over the weekend for her but she didn't show.

I haven't taken my temp for years now, but decided to take it on Saturday morning to check when AF would arrive.
  • Saturday's temp was 36.80 .... quite low for me from memory so decided not to POAS. 
  • Sunday's temp was 36.85 ..... ummed and arred about POAS and decided what the hell! BFN with IC :(
  • Today's temp is 36.92 ...... was too scared to test and totally chickened out. 
I woke up feeling very hot, didn't sleep well last night, my lower back is so sore, my hips are achy and I'm quite bloated. My mood is OK actually, I normally get quite teary and irritable two days before AF arrives. Whilst I'm not surprised about yesterday's BFN, it still hurts like hell. I just want it to be my turn with no complications .... easy, breazy, healthy pregnancy please.

Friday, 23 November 2012

Warning - bad mood ahead

Today is CD32. I'm 90% sure I'm out this month ... which shouldn't surprise me really. I mean, I've lost a tube, I'm using donor sperm, no CQ10 consumed this cycle and life has been crazy lately.

Feeling crap today. I've woken up with a headache, I'm crampy, my (.)(.) hurt and I'm very bloated - all perfect signs that AF is on her way.

I despise you AF!

I kindly ask you to F-off for a while.

Give me and hubby a break and ride your broomstick else, you wicked witch.

Is anyone else needing a break from AF and her wicked ways??? 

Thursday, 22 November 2012

12DPO, 11DPO or 10DPO? Who knows

As you know, I had 3 or 4 days of positive OPK's this month so I have no idea when I actually ovulated. My O date could have been Saturday 10NOV, Sunday 11NOV or Monday 12NOV.

So is today 12DPO, 11DPO or 10DPO??

Normally I wouldn't POAS anytime soon - unless I lose all self control. AF always arrives on time, so I've always waited for my AF date to come and go before testing.

Do I POAS Saturday, Sunday or Monday?

I've got a busy weekend too! A friends birthday dinner on Saturday night and another friends birthday lunch on Sunday. Everyone knows I like a glass of bubbles, so what excuse am I gonna dish out for not drinking? Or do I test on Saturday so I know one way or the other?



Wednesday, 21 November 2012

Tired much?

I cannot tell you how tired I am. Brick wall anyone? The first 3 days was fun, but the last 2 days have been intense.

As you know I spent the weekend in Melbourne with my bestie - had a blast with her. Wining, dining, shopping, laughter, tears and Edward Cullen. It doesn't get much better than that.

I flew home on Sunday night so I could attend the Coldplay concert - check out my recent blog post about the concert. It was beyond amazing!. My mum called me when I arrived in Sydney and told me the devastating news that my Grandmother is very ill and on her deathbed.  I was so sad but still decided to go to the concert and try and have a good time. Hubby and I had a great time and got home around midnight.

Monday morning and I was up bright and early for a big day at work. After an exhausting day, I crawled into bed and just as I was about to enter into an amazing dream featuring Ryan Gosling, I got a call from work. Argh! Two hours later I was back in bed. (Ryan didn't visit!). Only five hours of shut eye that night!!

Tuesday morning and I was up early again - this time to catch a flight to Brisbane to see my Grandmother and say my final goodbyes. The doctors can no longer feed her, so they are making her comfortable with morphine. Family are flying in from all over to visit Grandma before she passes away. We are such a large family but Grandma is so loved and will be missed dearly.

I was a mess yesterday. I caught the late flight back to Sydney, crawled into bed and was just about to enter my slumber when a motorist hits a pedestrian right outside of our house. Sirens, sirens and more sirens. A 14 year old has been hit and is trapped under the car. I raced outside and was unable to assist, the police were diverting traffic and the boy was rushed to hospital - I pray he's ok. Crawled back into bed around 1am.

I wonder what will happen tonight. I want coffee so badly but am fighting the urge.

I am so tired.

Friday, 16 November 2012

It's time to escape!

I don’t like to use the word HATE, but today I’m using it.

I   HATE   HATE   HATE the 2WW.

It messes with your mind. It messes with your emotions. And it absolutely messes with your credit card.

Every spasm and cramp is a tell-tale pregnancy sign.
  • The cramps are surely a sign of your bub getting snug in your uterus. It can’t be PMS!
  • The nausea is welcomed with open arms because surely it’s a sign of pregnancy and NOT PMS.
  • The headache is surely a sign of pregnancy hormones and NOT a PMS migraine.
  • And I can’t forget about implantation spotting, the much sort after bleed that proves bub has taken to its new home – surely this cannot mean a menstrual cycle is around the corner.

The 2WW is an eternity. I swear time stands still. The working days become longer, my addiction to Dr Google gets worse and my ability to sleep evades me. A slight pain here, a little spasm there... and I want to know what it means. Each cycle I promise myself that I won’t read into the symptoms and just wait out the 14 days. Honestly, I have no will power. Clearly I have a weakness and I’m not ashamed to admit it. It’s an effort to fight the urges most days to check what each symptom means.

But for the next 3 days I’ll be too distracted. It’s time to make my escape! I’m jumping on a jet plane today and heading to Melbourne to get me some quality BFF time. JJ will distract me with wine, shopping and the latest Twilight movie no doubt.

Are you, or is someone you know, struggling to get pregnant? 

Thursday, 15 November 2012

Today is my due date

I can't believe today has come around so quickly. Today would have been my due date for the baby I lost in March. Time flies when you're grieving, hey :(

Whilst the ache in my arms to hold our baby grows stronger everyday, the journey to this point show me how far I've come. I've healed. I'm not completely healed but the gaping wound that exposed my heart is mending and rejuvenating.

I text hubby to remind him and also text my bestie and our sperm donor. Our sperm donor was the first to respond and said "Nine months from now and you'll have one". It was just what I needed to hear. I really hope our attempts this cycle are a winner.

Tonight I'll light a candle and remember our little peanut.

Our bond was instant and my love infinite. I'm so sorry we didn't get to meet you xx

Tuesday, 13 November 2012

Legs in the air

I'm back baby!!!  The mind, body and spirit is geared and ready to TTC again.

Slight change of plans. We decided on another home insemination attempt instead of an ICSI cycle. Hubby has started his own company so money is a bit tight at the moment. FS told me to take Temazepam as a precaution (to stop my uterus contracting) ... we don't want another ectopic!

I actually thought I'd missed my ovulation this month but I'm now thinking it's a bad batch of F2F (Fertility2Family) OPKs because I didn't get a single positive. So on CD19, I visited the local Chemist and bought a 7 day OvuPlan kit and got a positive straight away!

Our sperm donor has been visiting every 2nd day to provide us with a quality batch of Olympic swimmers.  Fingers crossed.

Anyone else ever had 4 days of positive OPK's?  Normally I only get 1-2 days of positives before the line goes faint. But so far each test is stronger than the control line.

I've been waving my legs in the air like I just don't care (for you groovers out there) for the past few days. My hips are very achy, experiencing insomnia, had a week of pimples leading up to my first positive OPK, a bit bloated and lower back is sore.

The only ovulation sign missing is no EWCM. A bit watery on day 1 but nothing since.

Dreading the 2ww because I'm as nervous as hell. I can handle a BFN but I can't handle another a 3rd ectopic.

PS - Come visit me over at
My blog about falling in love with your life

Thursday, 18 October 2012

I think I can, I think I can

I know it's been a while in between posts. DH and I have done a lot of soul-searching, healing, travelling, drinking and talking the past months.

The days following my discharge from hospital, I WAS MESS. Emotionally I had been ripped apart and I still have no idea how DH stayed around to pick up the pieces - it must be true love! I truly hated that I was back in this heart wrenching position again. Another baby lost. The feelings of hopelessness and guilt came flooding back from March and it was almost too much to process.  I had mini breakdowns everyday for a week.

I also had a lot of anger towards my dad for not visiting me and anger towards so-called friends for not caring enough to call/text/email/visit after we'd suffered another loss.  Let's just say we now know who our true friends are!

Once I was back on my feet again, we immediately saw our counselor. Within hours I was a changed women - vowing to let go of the anger, begin an active lifestyle and vowing not to give up just yet.

With that in mind, we jetted to the USA and spent a few weeks visiting New York, partying our way through Las Vegas and finally some much needed RnR in Hawaii. The holiday did wonders for our marriage and cemented it's foundations once again. DH and I fell in love again and again .... it was so sweet.

It's now October and DH and I wanted to give a home insemination another attempt, but at the 11th hour I chickened out. Something inside of me just wasn't quite ready. I asked DH would it be OK to give this month a miss and of course he was OK with it. Instead, we had a great month spending quality time with our 'rugby' family and had a great night at the Rugby Presentation Ball (see pic) at the Hilton Sydney.

So I've got another three weeks to calm my life down, get really healthy in mind, body and spirit and focus all my energies into the next baby making mission.

Watch this space my friends xx 

Thursday, 5 July 2012

No longer pregnant

I've woken up and I'm no longer pregnant.

Makes me feel very numb and very hollow inside.

This might be the end of the road for us. Two ectopics and two losses in 4 months is more than anyone can handle.

Wednesday, 4 July 2012

CD44 / 28DPO / 23DPT

They found the pregnancy .... the embryo has attached itself to the tiny stump where my right tube use to live. HCG had also increased and is now over 3000 so I'm booked for surgery this afternoon.

I just can't believe this is another ectopic and another loss.

Mum has arrived and is keeping our spirits up.

Tuesday, 3 July 2012

CD43 / 27DPO / 22DPT

The decision is made. We've decided on the MTX injection. I call our FS and we're advised to make our way over to RPA Hospital for the injection. We arrive at RPA and the staff are lovely, we can seen to straight away. But ..... The head OB/GYN isn't convinced and won't give me the injection. Instead I'm admitted into hospital for monitoring overnight. WTF? When will this torture end? Repeat beta and ultrasound in the morning.

Monday, 2 July 2012

CD42 / 26DPO / 21DPT of ICSI #4

Hcg = 2034 Prog = 23.6 Estr = 2248 I had a bad weekend. Was in terrible pain on Saturday and my clinic nurse told me to expect a miscarriage. So I sent JJ up to the chemist to stock up on pads, painkillers and chocolate and cried most of the afternoon and night. The pain was a horrid and a 10/10. The worst pain I've ever felt. But the next morning, the pain subsided and I was dumbfounded. No bleeding at all. My stomach was very tender but no miscarriage happened. Hubby was scared to leave me alone so he took the day off work and came to my appt. After getting the above beta results this morning, my FS agreed to send me for a scan but it was bad news. The scan revealed an empty womb, no sac could be seen, so the diagnosis was ectopic. I managed to hold it together at the clinic, the shock made me completely numb. Hubby and I drove home in silence ..... Couldn't believe this was happening to us again! Our FS gave us two choices; * laparoscopy surgery * MTX injection I lost it on the phone. Cried and cried and couldn't answer her. So her advice to us was to sleep on it and call back in the morning with our decision. Why is this happening again?

Thursday, 28 June 2012

CD38 / 22DPO / 17DPT of ICSI #4

Our day 5 Blastie
3rd round of beta results are in:

hCG = 786

Progesterone = 17.9
Estrogen = 1802

Once again, my levels have increased. The clinic nurse was a little more optimistic this time as my levels have doubled nicely every 24 hours. I was warned once again, to head to the hospital should I start experiencing any pain but so far the only pain I’ve had are achy hips. I get the odd cramp but it disappears after an hour or so.

The happy dance continues ….. until ……

FS called about an hour after nurse and started preparing me for the worse. I couldn’t believe it. FS basically tells me the chances of this turning into a successful preg are slim to none. I was told to start preparing for a bad outcome and we can try again after a month of resting.
If my levels reach 2,000, she’ll administer the MTX injection.

What?????  My levels are increasing nicely and FS wants to abort the pregnancy before it’s even had a solid chance of survival.

I’m feeling pretty devastated.

Once I got home, I started googling and researching for other women who have been in my position – there are loads of bad stories and loads of good stories.

So I figure I’ll keep praying for our miracle – miracles do happen.

It ain’t over yet.

Monday, 25 June 2012

CD35 / 19DPO / 14DPT of ICSI #4

It's Monday and time for 2nd round of beta results: 

hCG = 102
Prog = 9.5

Instead of dropping, my levels have increased. I secretly want to do a happy dance and be happy, however nurse told me to suspect an ectopic preg. Apparently such low levels that increase can result in an ectopic.

WHAT!!!!!!!!!!!!! Not again.  

I cannot and WILL not go through an ectopic again. My bleeding has now stopped completely - was it an early miscarriage? Or can I still be hopeful? Loads of women have bleeding in the early stages of pregnancy.

So I've now been told to head to the hospital should I experience any sudden abdominal pain. If I don't visit hospital between now and Thursday, I need to head back to the clinic for a 3rd round of betas. 

I'm secretly praying and hoping this is a late implanter and my levels have tripled by Thursday :)

Poor DH, doesn't know what to think. So I'll continue to pray and have faith that my little miracle is trying really hard to implant and send the next 9 months in my womb.

Friday, 22 June 2012

CD32 / 16DPO / 11DPT of ICSI #4

Started spotting yesterday afternoon so figured the beta results today would be doomed.

I woke up this morning to bright red blood, however I had no pain. The odd cramp but it wasn't painful. 

My results are in:
hCG = 16
Prog = 3.6

The nurse told me the result was negative and my FS would call me a bit later to discuss our next step. 

When FS called, she told me the hCG was low. 

I said, "What? I thought it was zero?". 

FS said "Your results are considered negative but you're reading is only 16 which is too low for a viable pregnancy". 

I told her about my spotting and then bleeding today and she said it sounded like a chemical pregnancy and I was experiencing an early miscarriage. My repeat beta test is Monday (3 days time) to check my levels have dropped.

I have no idea how I did it, but I managed to continue working the entire day in the office. I didn't cry. I didn't scream and shout at staff. I'm even contemplating working tomorrow, on a Saturday, just to avoid thinking about the inevitable. 

Wednesday, 20 June 2012

CD30 / 14DPO / 9DPT of ICSI #4

I had vowed not to POAS this week, however something got the better of me yesterday and I found an old IC HPT under the bathroom sink and decided to test. 

Low and behold, it was .....


Shock. Horror. How could that be? I have all the pregnancy symptoms. HAHAHA!! As a veteran of this IVF procedure, you'd think I'd remind myself daily that these symptoms are also AF.

I jumped in the shower and tried really hard not to cry. The rest of my day was a write off - I was miserable and didn't want to talk to anyone.

I was on the verge of a mini breakdown, especially after DH and BF screamed at me for testing so early. But I don't think it was early. 85% of women discover a BFP at 13DPO. Anyway, lesson learned and I won't be testing again - I intend to wait for my beta test on Friday. 

In the meantime, the symptoms continue:
  • Sooooo tired
  • AF cramps
  • Sharp jabbing pain on the left side
  • Slight bloating
  • Sore boobs
  • Insomnia
  • Wake up hot
  • Nausea in the morning - coffee is a struggle
  • Blocked sinus
I'm telling myself today to have FAITH, have HOPE and to BELIEVE this can happen. I will see a BFP one day.

Friday, 15 June 2012

CD25 / 9DPO / 4DPT of ICSI #4

Feeling a bit blah today. 

Here is a list of what I'm noticing:
  • Cramp on left side
  • Stuffy nose
  • Ulcer in my mouth
  • Finally poo'd (thanks to a laksa)
  • Lower backache
  • Heavy bloating - I look ridiculous
  • Both boobs are now sore
  • So tired after meals


Friday, 1 June 2012

CD11 of ICSI #4

CD11 today. So far I've had 13 injections, 2 blood tests and 1 scan. I'm experiencing bloating, cramps, exhaustion and have no appetite.

My scan yesterday showed 12 follicles - the largest one was 14.5mm which for me is a little on the small side. Maybe my LOR is getting worse?
I have another blood test and scan tomorrow morning and I'm hoping the follicles are increasing in size. My BF is flying up to Sydney tomorrow to spend the weekend with me so it'll be nice to have some company at the appt tomorrow. 

Other than the obvious, life goes on. DH and I are going to a concert at the Opera House tonight - seeing The Temper Trap - with a group of friends.

Monday, 28 May 2012

Good-Bye Doubt

Today is day 7 of my 4th cycle. Currently injecting 300 units of Puregon and I start Orgalutran injections tomorrow. 

I'm also eating pizza for lunch? Just in case you were wondering.

Feeling a little weird today, which for me is strange, because I'm normally a ball of positive vibes and feelin the love kinda gal. But my old foe 'doubt' has started creeping in and I'm trying hard to find a way to banish 'doubt'.

How on earth do say goodbye to old doubts in order to allow new beliefs to enter? I realise our previous cycles failed to work for a number of reasons, but this time should be different! This time we'll be using great swimmers and my DHEA is plumping up my eggs. Fab combination and hopefully a winning combination. 

Anyway, I decided to visit an old support group on EB last week and it dawned on me that everyone had graduated to parenthood ... but me. Woe me. I'm not jealous and I don't hold any envy. I'm just sad the journey is taking up our precious parenthood time. There are so many 'what if' type questions and I'm tired of trying to answer them.

Now is the time for me to say..... "GOOD BYE Doubt". 
Arrivederci, Adios, Sayonara

And may I welcome ..... Hope, Belief, Faith

Thursday, 24 May 2012

A donor is found

First post in nearly a year …… Hmmmm, where do I begin as so much as happened? This time last year,
DH and I were trying to decide on donor sperm or adoption.

Long story, short …… Donor was chosen. Donor was asked to donate. Donor accepted.

The donor is DH’s little brother. He’s an amazing man with the best of intentions. His words to us were “I’ll do anything you ask. Whatever it takes”.  Their bond now is unbreakable and I’m so proud of them both.

Let’s begin with an update!
My BIL agreed to a few home attempts as I wasn’t quite ready to return to IVF straight away. The first home attempt (turkey baster was swapped for a needleless syringe) was pretty embarrassing for us all but lucky we are all capable of using humor to diffuse an awkward situation.

We could all feel the rush of red to our cheeks, but we had a few drinks and calmed our nerves. My BIL went to the bathroom, left a swimmingly good donation for me. I collected the donation and went to the bathroom where the contents were transferred to a syringe and then transferred into my cervix. My legs were swung up into the air, and I remained in this position for 60 very long minutes, whilst DH and BIL continued to giggle like school boys out in the lounge room.

This whole process was repeated three more times – some with varying scenarios. One of the funniest scenarios was me driving to my BIL and collecting a donation before racing home to transfer the contents. I’m sure innocent motorists mistook our situation as a drug deal … because BIL approached my car, handed over a package which I immediately popped between my legs (to keep it warm), before speeding off.

Our 4th home attempt was very relaxed as everyone knew their role. Two weeks later my period arrived on time so I didn’t both doing a pregnancy test. Ten days later, I woke up to blood clots and horrific pain in my right abdomen. I was rushed to hospital and diagnosed with an ectopic pregnancy. My hCG levels were only 120 and our baby was sitting in my right tube. It was decided that the pregnancy had to be removed and his meant removing my right tube.

It was such a blur and extremely surreal. DH and I were shattered naturally but somehow we remained strong and knew it was rotten bad luck. My bestie and DH were a wonderful supportive team whilst I remained in hospital and recouped. Both of them pointed out that I had achieved a pregnancy – the first pregnancy in my life!  Our home attempt had worked but it just implanted in the wrong spot.

A few weeks later and DH and I decided it was probably best to head back to IVF as assistance was needed. The next time was attempted this, we wanted bub to implant in the right spot.

So the donor counseling is complete – the three of us passed with flying colours. Our Dr has met BIL and completed all the necessary background checks and medical history. Our consent forms are signed and delivered and my period arrived on her due date.

Today is day 3 of our first ICSI cycle using donor sperm. Wish us luck!