CD44 / 23DPO - Happy dance

CD44 / 23DPO
15DPO = 49
17DPO = 90
19DPO = 190
21DPO = 469
23DPO = 1500!!!!!!

I'm doing my 30 second happy dance - wanna join me?

I'm now in the 4 digits. How exciting is that! My hCG levels have more than tripled in 48 hours and are currently sitting at 1500. My Dr is very happy and impressed with today's results and she immediately asked me how I was feeling. My answer? I want to vomit - very nauseous.

So....... it's all sounding promising. I'm a little bit more optimistic now .... but still trying to be reserved with my excitement. Until I see a heartbeat I can only be apprehensive it's another ectopic.

PS - Apologises for the quick post, got hundreds of emails to action after taking yesterday off work for my grandmothers funeral.

CD39 / 18DPO - Left side pain

CD39 / 18DPO
3rd hCG due tomorrow

Bub is still hanging on. No bleeding. Lots of nausea. Heavy backaches. Bloating. Bit of gas.

But the pain, the pain is starting to get to me.

I've had a dull ache in the left side of my abdomen for 2 weeks. The pain really kicked in around 12DPO which prompted me to POAS in the first place. The pain was similar to when I had the 1st ectopic.

But the difference in this pregnancy is .......... why would I have this pain for 2 weeks? Ectopic pain doesn't normally kick in until around 6w mark. Plus, my pain only intensify's after I eat a big meal. Otherwise it's just a dull ache in my rib.

{Reading the above line back to myself and I'm clutching at straws, aren't I?}

Over and out. I really need to do some work today! 

CD38 / 17DPO - Numb

CD38 / 17DPO
hCG is 90

Dr just called and told me the hCG level has increased to 90 ..... still very low and just short of doubling.  Was it silly of me to wish, hope and pray for a figure in the 1000's? Of course it was!!

The EPAS (Early Pregnancy Assessment Service) clinic manager met with me at the hospital this morning and we talked about my five year history TTC. It was nice to have someone geniuely listen and take notes. After I finished answering her questions, she was honest and said the chances of a viable pregnancy were slim to none.

And whilst I know this to be a fact, deep down it still cuts like a knife. Razor sharp. Slicing my heart in half.

Just for once, I want someone in my corner cheering a positive outcome. Instead I've had to endure 5 years worth of negative outcomes from every health professional I've encountered.

I'm so over feeling this pain. I'm becoming immune to it in a way. How do I keep doing this? Why do I keep doing this? Maybe children are not part of God's plan for hubby and I.

I'm broken from 2 losses this year. I'm broken from the countless surgeries my poor body has had to suffer over 4 years. I'm a shell of a women and completely numb.

The tears will arrive soon. I'm waiting for them and I hope I'm ready. I just don't want them to arrive at work today.

The plan from here ...... The EPAS clinic want to see me again on Saturday to repeat the beta hCG test. If I don't miscarry before then, I'm scheduled for bloods and another scan on Monday, which is my 6w mark.

My grandmothers funeral is on Tuesday, so I just pray I don't need surgery anytime soon.

If anyone is reading this, could I ask you to say a prayer to your God? I'll be eternally grateful.

B xx

CD37 / 16DPO - The bittersweet BFP

Guess what?

BFP  BFP  BFP  BFP  BFP  BFP  BFP  BFP

I woke up yesterday and my temp was still high so I thought 'what the hell' and took a pregnancy test. I left it on the bathroom counter and jumped in the shower. Low and behold, I stepped out of the shower to find 2 beautiful pink lines on the pregnancy test.

I may have squealed with sweet delight. Sheer happiness washed over me and I screamed, gasped and laughed so hard. Maybe it was finally happening! Our dog Sonny was the first to hear the news - he's gonna be a big brother.

My GP shattered my happy news with seconds of me sitting down in his office. I was told to go straight to hospital.

But 'Why' I asked?

"Because you have a history of ectopic pregnancies and this pregnancy has a 50% chance of being ectopic", he said.

So off to hospital I went. Bloods were drawn and my hCG came back at only 49 (15DPO). Quite low. Hmmm. I had a good cry and pulled it together. (I was by myself because DH had an important job on and I didn't want to worry him). The Dr then sent me for a scan and the sonographer found a small mass on my left ovary. I was told it could be an ectopic but it was too early to tell OR it could be a corpus luteum.

The hospital wants me back tomorrow for a repeat blood test and to meet the EPAS clinic nurse so we can put a plan in place.

In other sad news .... must be a week for it ...... my poor grandmother passed away this morning. RIP Grandma. I'm feeling overly emotional and just want some good news now ..... enough with the bad news.

CD38 / 22DPO / 17DPT of ICSI #4

Our day 5 Blastie

3^rd round of beta results are in:

hCG = 786
Progesterone = 17.9

Estrogen = 1802

Once again, my levels have increased. The clinic nurse was a little more optimistic this time as my levels have doubled nicely every 24 hours. I was warned once again, to head to the hospital should I start experiencing any pain but so far the only pain I’ve had are achy hips. I get the odd cramp but it disappears after an hour or so.

The happy dance continues ….. until ……

FS called about an hour after nurse and started preparing me for the worse. I couldn’t believe it. FS basically tells me the chances of this turning into a successful preg are slim to none. I was told to start preparing for a bad outcome and we can try again after a month of resting.

If my levels reach 2,000, she’ll administer the MTX injection.

What?????  My levels are increasing nicely and FS wants to abort the pregnancy before it’s even had a solid chance of survival.

I’m feeling pretty devastated.

Once I got home, I started googling and researching for other women who have been in my position – there are loads of bad stories and loads of good stories.

So I figure I’ll keep praying for our miracle – miracles do happen.

It ain’t over yet.

CD35 / 19DPO / 14DPT of ICSI #4

It's Monday and time for 2nd round of beta results: 

hCG = 102
Prog = 9.5

Instead of dropping, my levels have increased. I secretly want to do a happy dance and be happy, however nurse told me to suspect an ectopic preg. Apparently such low levels that increase can result in an ectopic.

WHAT!!!!!!!!!!!!! Not again.  

I cannot and WILL not go through an ectopic again. My bleeding has now stopped completely - was it an early miscarriage? Or can I still be hopeful? Loads of women have bleeding in the early stages of pregnancy.

So I've now been told to head to the hospital should I experience any sudden abdominal pain. If I don't visit hospital between now and Thursday, I need to head back to the clinic for a 3rd round of betas. 

I'm secretly praying and hoping this is a late implanter and my levels have tripled by Thursday :)

Poor DH, doesn't know what to think. So I'll continue to pray and have faith that my little miracle is trying really hard to implant and send the next 9 months in my womb.

CD32 / 16DPO / 11DPT of ICSI #4

Started spotting yesterday afternoon so figured the beta results today would be doomed.

I woke up this morning to bright red blood, however I had no pain. The odd cramp but it wasn't painful. 

My results are in:
hCG = 16
Prog = 3.6

The nurse told me the result was negative and my FS would call me a bit later to discuss our next step. 

When FS called, she told me the hCG was low. 

I said, "What? I thought it was zero?". 

FS said "Your results are considered negative but you're reading is only 16 which is too low for a viable pregnancy". 

I told her about my spotting and then bleeding today and she said it sounded like a chemical pregnancy and I was experiencing an early miscarriage. My repeat beta test is Monday (3 days time) to check my levels have dropped.

I have no idea how I did it, but I managed to continue working the entire day in the office. I didn't cry. I didn't scream and shout at staff. I'm even contemplating working tomorrow, on a Saturday, just to avoid thinking about the inevitable.