Thursday, 29 November 2012

CD38 / 17DPO - Numb

CD38 / 17DPO
hCG is 90

Dr just called and told me the hCG level has increased to 90 ..... still very low and just short of doubling.  Was it silly of me to wish, hope and pray for a figure in the 1000's? Of course it was!!

The EPAS (Early Pregnancy Assessment Service) clinic manager met with me at the hospital this morning and we talked about my five year history TTC. It was nice to have someone geniuely listen and take notes. After I finished answering her questions, she was honest and said the chances of a viable pregnancy were slim to none.

And whilst I know this to be a fact, deep down it still cuts like a knife. Razor sharp. Slicing my heart in half.

Just for once, I want someone in my corner cheering a positive outcome. Instead I've had to endure 5 years worth of negative outcomes from every health professional I've encountered.

I'm so over feeling this pain. I'm becoming immune to it in a way. How do I keep doing this? Why do I keep doing this? Maybe children are not part of God's plan for hubby and I.

I'm broken from 2 losses this year. I'm broken from the countless surgeries my poor body has had to suffer over 4 years. I'm a shell of a women and completely numb.

The tears will arrive soon. I'm waiting for them and I hope I'm ready. I just don't want them to arrive at work today.

The plan from here ...... The EPAS clinic want to see me again on Saturday to repeat the beta hCG test. If I don't miscarry before then, I'm scheduled for bloods and another scan on Monday, which is my 6w mark.

My grandmothers funeral is on Tuesday, so I just pray I don't need surgery anytime soon.

If anyone is reading this, could I ask you to say a prayer to your God? I'll be eternally grateful.

B xx


Jules said...

You are in my thoughts & prayers.

Stalking a Stork said...

Thank you so much Jules - that means the world to me and my little jelly bean.