Sunday, 23 December 2012

Scared to leave

This sense of fear is digging itself deeper and deeper into my bones. It's paralysing and suffocating. It consumes my thoughts and restricts my movements. 

I'm trying SO hard to move forward, move on from this mess.

But the fear is breathtaking and not in a pretty way.

I've tried to leave the house five times today but I keep thinking of excuses to stay indoors. The washing is complete. The bathroom is clean. The sheets are fresh and the laundry is put away. I seriously contemplated organising my bookcase but ate a caramel Tim Tim instead.

It's two sleeps til Santa arrives and I've got so much to buy and so much to organise. This is normally my favourite time of the year - festive celebrations, party invitations, sharing great food and fine wine with family and friends and handing out thoughtful gifts to make my loved ones smile like crazy. I crave normality so badly but 'normal' disappeared 16 days ago. 

I know I'm faking it at the moment. I'm seriously pretending to be OK. My loved ones don't need to know my every thought. If I could leave the house, my first stop would be my GP for help. The trauma of this experience, this pregnancy, this loss, is enough to set me on a path of destruction. Depression has visited me before and I don't particularly want it back again. I need to know the steps to help me avoid this path ...... and try and choose a path that will be rebuild what is broken here. 

But I get the sense no one can help me. No one wants to help me.

Maybe faking it is OK for the moment because our life is messy. Hubby is investing every waking minute into his new business. I'm at home alone all day. Sleep is evading us. We toss and turn and become bitter when dawn breaks. The healthy diet is replaced with too much chocolate, ice cream and cake. I cry every time I hope in the shower because the scars are a permanent reminder of what could have been. 

But I can't fake it forever. Eventually I need to start digging my way out of this pit hole called 'rock bottom'.


Jules said...

Please contact or go & see your GP. If you need help through this, there are people out who do want to help & who will listen. Thinking of you. Take Care. xo

Anonymous said...

I hope you've had the opportunity to talk to someone openly about how you're feeling Brooke.

Wishing you and your hubby a much brighter 2013. Take care of yourself and each other.

xxx Nicki

Anonymous said...

I'm stalking you 4-5 times a day cause I care. Naomi/Puddycat xl

Anonymous said...

Another stalker here too, just checking in to see how you're doing? Xoxo

Katherine said...

Tonight, I stumbled across your blog randomly and my heart broke as I read about the pain you've experienced in the past year. I wanted to let you know that you have been prayed for tonight—a prayer Jesus would bring you both healing and hope—and that you would know that there is someone who desires to help you.

Here are words that I was given when I was in a time of sorrow:

If I say, “Surely the darkness shall cover me,
and the light about me be night,”
even the darkness is not dark to you;
the night is bright as the day,
for darkness is as light with you.
(Psalm 139:11-12 ESV)