CD50 / 29DPO - i'm still pregnant

Yes, you read the title correctly - I am still pregnant.

The surgery on Friday was unsuccessful at locating the ectopic and my Dr was forced to close up. He did find a bulging mass on the right side of my uterus wall but he was not 100% convinced it was the pregnancy.

So imagine my shock and horror when I was wheeled back to the recovery bay area only to discover the surgery had failed.

Devastating.

The Dr came by on Saturday morning and asked me to go home and rest and come back to the hospital on Tuesday for repeats tests.

So today I brought moral support with me - hubby and my mum. Off to the hospital we trot and I'm put through my paces again - more bloods, more scans, more questions.

Guess what? THEY FINALLY FOUND MY PREGNANCY.

Located in an awful spot of my uterus wall. Bub is measuring around 5mm and has a heart beat of 105. My heart shattered into a million pieces when the sonographer said it's still non-viable.

I saw my baby's heart beating. I saw the beautiful round spot it occupies in my uterus. I see where it calls home.

And still it's non-viable and I need to end it's life because of a location. A location. WTF?

Dr calls it a cornual ectopic pregnancy and it's the worse kind you can get. Of course it's the worse kind - could only happen to me. The surgery to remove this type of pregnancy is major and life threatening. Four in 11 women die from this type of surgery. The biggest risk is bleeding out and needing a hysterectomy.

Am I scared? I'm petrified.

Am I worried? My anxiety is through the roof.

The surgery is booked for Thursday afternoon and all I can do is pray like crazy everything will be ok.

I'm already so connected to this baby and it's going to tear me apart that surgery on Thursday will end it's life. My focus now is surviving the surgery as best I can.

It's time to escape!

I don’t like to use the word HATE, but today I’m using it.

I   HATE   HATE   HATE the 2WW.

It messes with your mind. It messes with your emotions. And it absolutely messes with your credit card.

Every spasm and cramp is a tell-tale pregnancy sign.

• The cramps are surely a sign of your bub getting snug in your uterus. It can’t be PMS!
• The nausea is welcomed with open arms because surely it’s a sign of pregnancy and NOT PMS.
• The headache is surely a sign of pregnancy hormones and NOT a PMS migraine.
• And I can’t forget about implantation spotting, the much sort after bleed that proves bub has taken to its new home – surely this cannot mean a menstrual cycle is around the corner.

The 2WW is an eternity. I swear time stands still. The working days become longer, my addiction to Dr Google gets worse and my ability to sleep evades me. A slight pain here, a little spasm there... and I want to know what it means. Each cycle I promise myself that I won’t read into the symptoms and just wait out the 14 days. Honestly, I have no will power. Clearly I have a weakness and I’m not ashamed to admit it. It’s an effort to fight the urges most days to check what each symptom means.

But for the next 3 days I’ll be too distracted. It’s time to make my escape! I’m jumping on a jet plane today and heading to Melbourne to get me some quality BFF time. JJ will distract me with wine, shopping and the latest Twilight movie no doubt.

Are you, or is someone you know, struggling to get pregnant?