CD50 / 29DPO - i'm still pregnant

Yes, you read the title correctly - I am still pregnant.

The surgery on Friday was unsuccessful at locating the ectopic and my Dr was forced to close up. He did find a bulging mass on the right side of my uterus wall but he was not 100% convinced it was the pregnancy.

So imagine my shock and horror when I was wheeled back to the recovery bay area only to discover the surgery had failed.

Devastating.

The Dr came by on Saturday morning and asked me to go home and rest and come back to the hospital on Tuesday for repeats tests.

So today I brought moral support with me - hubby and my mum. Off to the hospital we trot and I'm put through my paces again - more bloods, more scans, more questions.

Guess what? THEY FINALLY FOUND MY PREGNANCY.

Located in an awful spot of my uterus wall. Bub is measuring around 5mm and has a heart beat of 105. My heart shattered into a million pieces when the sonographer said it's still non-viable.

I saw my baby's heart beating. I saw the beautiful round spot it occupies in my uterus. I see where it calls home.

And still it's non-viable and I need to end it's life because of a location. A location. WTF?

Dr calls it a cornual ectopic pregnancy and it's the worse kind you can get. Of course it's the worse kind - could only happen to me. The surgery to remove this type of pregnancy is major and life threatening. Four in 11 women die from this type of surgery. The biggest risk is bleeding out and needing a hysterectomy.

Am I scared? I'm petrified.

Am I worried? My anxiety is through the roof.

The surgery is booked for Thursday afternoon and all I can do is pray like crazy everything will be ok.

I'm already so connected to this baby and it's going to tear me apart that surgery on Thursday will end it's life. My focus now is surviving the surgery as best I can.