Wednesday, 4 May 2011

Let the grieving begin

Sorrow. Mourn. Distress. Ache. Suffer. All words you’d associate with Death. And that’s exactly what happened. I’m grieving the death and loss of carrying my husband’s child. DH is grieving the lost opportunity to produce a child with his sporting abilities, kind heart and wicked sense of humour. And together we are grieving the death of our dream to create our own tribe.

It floors me every time I think about the phone call. Never in a million years did we think our FS would deliver the news. That news.

I can’t begin to describe what it feels like to hear that news. Even worse to deliver that news to close family and friends. The minute those sickening words leave my lips, I crumble and cry. Thankfully only a handful of people know the real truth so my crying has been limited to three occasions so far. But the crying is short-lived because I’m not ready to do the ‘ugly’ cry just yet.

Denial, I hear you say? Maybe. I want to cry and get it over with. Crying is usually the first step in moving forward, but not even my BF can make me commit to the ugly cry. BF tries to break me down but to no avail. I shut it down very quickly. I’m just not ready yet.

Soon after receiving the news, I hit the EB forums. Not really posting anything but contacting a few dear friends who have been through a similar experience. It’s sometimes easier to talk to strangers, than the people who love you the most. Which is surprising because I’ve always been close to my friends. But during these dark dark weeks, the only people I want to talk to are those you’ve been through a similar experience.

And DH? He continues to sit in his man cave and remain silent. All I want to do is talk and all he wants is silence. But that’s a whole other post. 

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