Good-Bye Doubt

Today is day 7 of my 4th cycle. Currently injecting 300 units of Puregon and I start Orgalutran injections tomorrow. 

I'm also eating pizza for lunch? Just in case you were wondering.

Feeling a little weird today, which for me is strange, because I'm normally a ball of positive vibes and feelin the love kinda gal. But my old foe 'doubt' has started creeping in and I'm trying hard to find a way to banish 'doubt'.

How on earth do say goodbye to old doubts in order to allow new beliefs to enter? I realise our previous cycles failed to work for a number of reasons, but this time should be different! This time we'll be using great swimmers and my DHEA is plumping up my eggs. Fab combination and hopefully a winning combination. 

Anyway, I decided to visit an old support group on EB last week and it dawned on me that everyone had graduated to parenthood ... but me. Woe me. I'm not jealous and I don't hold any envy. I'm just sad the journey is taking up our precious parenthood time. There are so many 'what if' type questions and I'm tired of trying to answer them.

Now is the time for me to say..... "GOOD BYE Doubt". 

Arrivederci, Adios, Sayonara

And may I welcome ..... Hope, Belief, Faith

A donor is found

First post in nearly a year …… Hmmmm, where do I begin as so much as happened? This time last year,

DH and I were trying to decide on donor sperm or adoption.

Long story, short …… Donor was chosen. Donor was asked to donate. Donor accepted.

The donor is DH’s little brother. He’s an amazing man with the best of intentions. His words to us were “I’ll do anything you ask. Whatever it takes”.  Their bond now is unbreakable and I’m so proud of them both.

Let’s begin with an update!

My BIL agreed to a few home attempts as I wasn’t quite ready to return to IVF straight away. The first home attempt (turkey baster was swapped for a needleless syringe) was pretty embarrassing for us all but lucky we are all capable of using humor to diffuse an awkward situation.

We could all feel the rush of red to our cheeks, but we had a few drinks and calmed our nerves. My BIL went to the bathroom, left a swimmingly good donation for me. I collected the donation and went to the bathroom where the contents were transferred to a syringe and then transferred into my cervix. My legs were swung up into the air, and I remained in this position for 60 very long minutes, whilst DH and BIL continued to giggle like school boys out in the lounge room.

This whole process was repeated three more times – some with varying scenarios. One of the funniest scenarios was me driving to my BIL and collecting a donation before racing home to transfer the contents. I’m sure innocent motorists mistook our situation as a drug deal … because BIL approached my car, handed over a package which I immediately popped between my legs (to keep it warm), before speeding off.

Our 4^th home attempt was very relaxed as everyone knew their role. Two weeks later my period arrived on time so I didn’t both doing a pregnancy test. Ten days later, I woke up to blood clots and horrific pain in my right abdomen. I was rushed to hospital and diagnosed with an ectopic pregnancy. My hCG levels were only 120 and our baby was sitting in my right tube. It was decided that the pregnancy had to be removed and his meant removing my right tube.

It was such a blur and extremely surreal. DH and I were shattered naturally but somehow we remained strong and knew it was rotten bad luck. My bestie and DH were a wonderful supportive team whilst I remained in hospital and recouped. Both of them pointed out that I had achieved a pregnancy – the first pregnancy in my life!  Our home attempt had worked but it just implanted in the wrong spot.

A few weeks later and DH and I decided it was probably best to head back to IVF as assistance was needed. The next time was attempted this, we wanted bub to implant in the right spot.

So the donor counseling is complete – the three of us passed with flying colours. Our Dr has met BIL and completed all the necessary background checks and medical history. Our consent forms are signed and delivered and my period arrived on her due date.

Today is day 3 of our first ICSI cycle using donor sperm. Wish us luck! 

Let the counselling begin

A day after we attended the donor information evening we made an appointment to see a counsellor at our clinic and finally discuss the past three years – highs ….. lows ….. and the mediums. Our first session was all about venting. We vented about the lack of support and exhaustions, the fights and arguments, the expectations and failures.

Whilst I felt like I did most of the talking, I could slowly sense that DH was opening up. He was nervous and embarrassed but I knew this would help him move forward. I can’t begin to tell you how therapeutic it was to talk openly and honestly with a stranger. Someone we’d never met before. But we bounced out of that session and chatted the 45 minutes drive home about everything. How we were feeling?  How we move forward? What evenings to schedule our ‘homework’ or discussions for?

Three weeks later and our next session was just as good. This time the counsellor got us talking about moving forward and what our options were. Mostly we talked about donors and we touched briefly on adoption. The donor discussion was slightly heated but this is only because it’s not something we want to face. NO ONE wants to use donor sperm. I certainly don’t! I want to comfort, sooth and care for the children of my husband; the children, who would inherit his mongy toes, dry skin, wicked humour and addiction to sport.

But our dream won’t come true. That dream is dead and we must begin to dream and create an alternate. We discuss the possibility of using an anonymous donor versus a known donor. Neither of us was willing to agree or disagree to either option. We’re fence sitters. Both have their risks and this was what our counsellor wanted us to discuss. Our homework was to weigh up the risks and form a decision.

Again, we got back to our car and started making a list of potential donors; Friends and family members.

The following evening, we were walking our dog sonny along the beach talking about asking these potential donors and then decided it was all too embarrassing. How do you ask someone you love and care about to donate their DNA?

At this point anonymous sperm donation seemed a less embarrassing option.

After a few weeks of see-sawing back and forth, the decision was made for us. A close friend offered to donate. We were both blown away by his generosity, kindness and love. We discussed it at great length and finally came to the decision that this wasn’t going to work out.

Our friend wanted to remain anonymous and he didn’t want anyone to know he was the donor and unfortunately this didn’t sit right with us. DH and I are not ashamed about our journey. Actually most of our friends know what we are going through and everyone in our family knows. We want to be open and honest about our child’s conception.

So, where to from here?

Now we realise we don’t want an anonymous donor. We want someone who will be our child’s life. Someone we know. Someone we love.