Saturday, 31 January 2009

Loss of a friend & Silly Season Amnesia

DH and I are BD every second day whilst on our annual leave break trying desperately for a miracle. But it happens again. A visit to the toilet proves we’re unsuccessful again. Thank goodness for ice cream, pasta, chocolate and wine (in that order). At least the wine numbs the pain and pulls me into a drunken stupor! I cannot stand the disappointment yet again.

I’ve decided to leave the Tourism industry! Mainly because the pay sucks and I want to be closer to home. Maybe I’m feeling the urge to nest? I find my ancient resume and begin to update it. A friend mentioned I should list my hobbies on the resume as it shows employers you’re personality. Hobbies? Checking my temperature, Peeing on ovulation sticks, checking my cervical mucous. That should show my future employer that I am full of personality.

I just found my first grey hair!!! This isn’t happening. I’m only 28 years old. Far too young for grey hairs. I can’t go grey yet. I still need to have a family. Actually, aren’t kids the cause of grey hairs? That’s what my mother tells me.
This is wrong. This is bad. This is a disaster. I quickly pluck it out and try to forget about it. Three weeks later as I’m brushing my teeth, I notice the morning light reflect off a hair on the side of my head. As I mean in for a closer look, I find three more grey hairs in the same spot! So it’s true! You pluck a hair and three grow back in its place. I almost choke on my toothbrush. I can’t leave the grey hairs in place. So out come the tweezers and I pluck all three hairs out of my head.

What an amazing Australia Day long weekend we’ve had. I spent Saturday catching up with new friends, my buddy group friends from the on-line forum pages I frequent. The following day we drive out to dad’s place and have a wonderful lunch with dad, my brother L and his girlfriend K. DH and my dad have one too many beers and it’s time to head back to Sydney. On Monday we invite family and friends over for an Aussie Day BBQ. Is wonderful spending public holiday with close family and close friends.

My weekend euphoria has been shattered. DH and I just found out that our friend S has tried to take his own life. S has been rushed to ICU in a coma but we’ve been told it’s not looking good. Unfortunately S’s wife found him hanging in the backyard yesterday barely breathing. Again, I am numb with emotions. Or maybe I’m just confused about what to feel. I’m angry at S for wanting to end his life but so upset and sorry for his young wife.
Two days later, the life support is switched off and S passes away peaceful… just as he wanted.

I’m a mess. DH is a mess. We talk about S and try to find answers to our questions but nothing helps. Jessie suggests we disappear for the weekend; to her Grandparents house down on the south coast. Count me in! I need escape for few days and deal with feelings.

The following day I collect Jessie and head south out of Sydney. The ipod is pumping out some great travel tunes and we talk and talk and talk all the way. I’m beginning to feel better with every kilometre driven. A beach side getaway is just what I need!

Jessie and I wake up the following morning to a glistening day. We strip our clothes, put on our bikinis and race to the beach. The minute I dive into the fresh water I can feel the stress, anxiety and negative thoughts wash away. The salt water evaporates all my needs and wants. We lie on the sand for hours talking about the past and trying to predict the future. Shit! Shit! Shit! It finally dawns on me that I’d probably just ovulated on the beach with Jessie lying beside me and DH 350 kms away. Oh well….. there goes my fertile moment for the month of January. I cannot believe we’ve missed another month! Silly Season Amnesia is very serious medical condition! I’m beginning to panic now as the year is almost over and we’ve been TTC for 10 months. DH is rousing on me for irresponsible reproduction behaviour for I am ovulating whilst taking unauthorised vacation with Jessie. Oops!

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