Saturday, 28 February 2009

Stilettos, Fires & Grey hairs

I was in the lunch room chit chatting about my impending two year wedding anniversary, when my work colleague said
“Two years of marriage and no kids yet. Are you going to begin trying soon?”
Just as I was about to blow my stack, I took a deep breath and let out a big sigh.
“Actually, we’ve been trying for nearly 12 months”
She started to mumble an apology and left the lunch room quickly. I don’t know who felt more uncomfortable; me or her!
Finally I said it out loud! I am a married woman trying to conceive a baby. The words feel strange on your tongue but strangely easy to say out loud.

I had coffee with a girlfriend today. She asked me about out TTC efforts and I said no success as yet. My GF then said DH and I should go away for a weekend, drink some beer & wine and relax a little. Because we’re bound to fall pregnant if we learn to relax a little. My immediate reaction was to punch her in the nose, however it dawned on me that some people are just uneducated about TTC. Don’t people realise that DH and I have been alone for 6 years and drank copious amounts of alcohol – this formula doesn’t work!
My smug mug (did I mention pregnant) GF begins to complain about her wardrobe and how nothing fits anymore. So being the fabulous GF that I am, I push past my jealously and offer to go shopping with her. It occurs to me that she is actually wearing her husbands t-shirt over a long skirt. Poor thing! It must be awful not to be fashionable anymore. Suddenly a warm glow begins to fill me. Could this be the feeling of satisfaction? Yes, yes I think it is! I may have just found the secret to TTC happiness. My wardrobe! I can still wear skinny jeans, stilettos, fabulous snug dresses.

A girl in my on-line buddy group discovered she is pregnant. We’re all thrilled for her as she has been TTC for over 12 months and unfortunately had to endure a miscarriage. But after a successful month using the SMEP, she is pregnant! Maybe it’s time to revisit this one. I begin my web surfing and find an article on SMEP for couples with a low sperm count. Bingo! As I read through the article, I discover it’s best to BD every third day as apposed to every second day. The bonus of BD every third day is it gives males suffering from low sperm count a chance to replenish their reserves. Sounds interesting! I discuss SMEP with DH and we decide to give it a go next cycle if this one fails.

DH and I had a big fight. Another argument over TTC and how stupid and obsessed I’m becoming. He’s right. I am mad woman. I try and apologise for my obnoxious wild ways but DH has had enough and storms out of the room. I am too scared to follow him! He finally emerges 15 minutes later and gives me a cuddle. He tells me this is hard for him too. I cannot believe how blessed I am to having such a loving and understanding husband when I am such a bugger. You know, part of why I get so angry (and who could forget upset) is because DH is going to make such a fantastic dad one day. It upsets me it’s not happening as quickly as it should. Ah, coulda woulda shoulda!

It’s Saturday afternoon and I’m still in my PJ’s. Our modified SMEP method failed! I’m debating whether to continue crying or have a breakdown. Hmmmm. Let’s continue with crying on the couch and then I’ll see how I feel after that. I cry because this is the 12th period to arrive since we embarked on our TTC adventure; I cry because 12 months is a long time to strive for our common goal; I cry because I’ve experienced 12 bouts of horrid IPS; I cry because our BD efforts were useless; I cry because I’ve worked out my baby’s EDD 12 times. I sit on the couch and switch on the telly. I need a distraction before my tears ducts dry up. A news bulletin tells me there are fires burning out of control across Victoria. The images on the television are from a war-torn country, surely. This cannot be Victoria, Australia. I watch the television transfixed and begin to surf different channels for more news. Same story, same image, same sadness. Oh, how awful for these communities. Devastated by a fire that someone idiot has purposefully started. The authorities are now predicting certain deaths as many communities were unable to escape the fast paced movement of the fire. My own sadness is completely forgotten as I watch news reel after news reel of devastating footage. How blessed I am! I have a roof over my head, food in the fridge, a husband who adores me, a job to go to everyday. These images have put things into perspective for me. I am blessed to have what I have.

It’s nearing the end of February and it’s time for my monthly visit to my hairdresser. I casually mention my grey hair meltdown in conversation and S just laughs and says “Babe, you should see the crown of your head!”. I’m godsmacked!! I have grey hairs in another spot. Why has no one cared enough to tell me? This is wrong. This is bad. This is a disaster. I consider colouring my hair but S say’s it’s not that bad yet. Really? Could have fooled me. Greys hairs and no kids to blame it on sounds like a disaster to me!

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