Tuesday, 31 March 2009

Where are you miracle?

It’s Friday. I’m CD14 and half way through SMEP. I cannot believe that I totally forget to use an OPK today. How could I be so forgettable! I get home and try an OPK anyway, it kinda looks negative. It’s Saturday. I’m CD15 and my waking temperature has sky rocketed! What the? I couldn’t have O already! My O day is still two or three days away. Very confused now. After lunch I use an OPK and register a positive. Right, so I’ve O’d. DH is at cricket all day so I must wait til he gets home before one last BD – just for good measure! Just as my cycles become clock work, my body throws a curve ball at me. An early ovulation! Sheesh!

Feeling bittersweet. I don’t know whether to jump with excitement, swallow my sadness or cry hysterically. Think I’ll pick number two option – swallow my sadness. My brother L has just called me from mum’s place to tell me he’s going to be a dad. A dad! That means I’m going to be an Aunty. I react normally (because mentally unstable women in my position needs to react excited in this situation) and tell L and his girlfriend K they’re going to be great parents. I quickly talk to my mum and ask her will she be grandma or nana. My mum is so excited about being a grandmother. I talk a little longer with my brother and ask him about their future living arrangements (L still lives at home with my dad) and if marriage is on the cards before the baby is born. I guess it’s all too soon to be answering those questions because he’s still in shock he’s gonna be a dad! It’s so sweet hearing him excited!
I say my goodbyes and begin to clean the kitchen. Half way through scrubbing the oven tray, a little tear escapes. I tell myself to stop it immediately but the tears are out before I have a chance to control them. I cry (yet again) for selfish reasons. Because I want to create my OWN people as well.

This isn’t fair! Five women from my on-line support group have just discovered their pregnant. WTF? Where was my invite to join the Due-in group? I’ve checked the mail box repeatedly and got nothing. This means my support group is down to 4 members. SMEP was successful for 5 out of 9 members. Now that’s awesome news for SMEP creators but what about me? I’ve been doing SMEP for months and months (that’s a lie but it sounds right in my head) and got nothing! Where is my miracle?
Argh, guess it’s time to recruit some more members to the on-line group.

My urge to procreate is getting stronger and stronger now. Especially when women all around me are falling pregnant and giving birth. It’s just not far. I want to make my OWN people are well. I still haven’t accepted that it may take a cast of hundreds to help DH and I do it.

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