Thursday, 30 April 2009

$49 psychic

I don’t think I can take another pregnancy announcement. I am truly at breaking point and have the potential to hurt expecting women everywhere. Here is goes….. A colleague just announced her pregnancy. I can’t believe I didn’t pick it because she’s huge. I mean for a tiny Japanese woman, she is certainly showing and her belly is very cute. But I can’t seem to fight the violent urge to push her over. Due to these dangerous tendencies, I consider resigning at first. Maybe a job in a nightclub would be better. It would be extremely beneficial to pregnant women all over the city if I begin to spend all of my time in a nightclub where it is unlikely that any women would bring her baby.

Why don’t women talk about it? Better still, why won’t men talk about it? Is there a code of silence when it comes to fertility issues? In the eleven years since I became 18 and joined the work force, I have never heard of anyone talk about fertility issues – especially of the male kind! Yet, I’ve heard about every ‘oopsy daisy’ pregnancy. The human race (well, the Sydney human race) are proud as punch to talk about impending births and their children yet nobody is proud to discuss or even comment on infertility. I mean no one chooses to have fertility issues. I feel so ashamed to talk about our reproductive failings whilst others are so happy to flaunt their fertility to everyone.

Okay so I haven’t resigned yet! But I’m certainly developing my business idea in my spare time. Well, I’m actually surfing the web at work and researching as much as I can… and getting paid for it! Hoping my boss never finds out!

Another member (my favourite member) has graduated from our on-line forum into the Pregnancy forum. It’s a bittersweet feeling. Of course I’m incredibly happy for her but I wish I was joining her. I wish it was me leaving the group and moving into the pregnancy forum. It dawns on me that my world is beginning to segregate. My world as I know it is now the Fertile’s and the Infertile’s. I also noticed that my life changed forever the moment DH and I started trying to conceive. What happened to our wild Saturday night’s that would have us stumbling home at 6am the following morning? My Saturday nights are now spent on the couch reading the Twilight series. Bella and Edward can conceive a vampire baby but I can’t even conceive a human baby!! Maybe I need to consider knitting or scrap-booking? Am becoming a Grandmother already – yet have no child to create a grandchild.

Another blow. Another lemon. Another devastation. Not too sure if I can take it much longer. My GP phoned yesterday to break the bad news. DH’s sperm count hasn’t changed. It’s the same! How can that be? Surely the horrid herbs and painful acupuncture did something to DH’s swimmers! I hop on the bus and head home to DH, all the while thinking of ways to break the news gently to him. I dawdle home and put the keys in the door… there is no easy way to tell him. Here is goes…
DH takes the shitty news like a trooper. Shrugs his shoulders and says “Oh well. It was worth a shot”. I hug him immediately and bury my face into his neck. I’m so glad his reaction isn’t to cry and shout ‘Why me!”. Because that’s exactly how I feel like reacting! We discuss our next step and agree IVF is the only way forward now. Our FS appointment is in two weeks so we agree to a TTC naturally break! Yippee! No more OPK’s, no more mangy thermometers and no more CM checks.

It was my birthday yesterday and I must admit I had a great day. The day started off a little slow and little apprehensive because I truly believed I’d be holding my baby in my arms by this milestone…. BUT it wasn’t meant to be. So I dedicate the day to being positive instead. Forget important milestones and celebrate the moment my head screams at me. DH, Jessie and my mum make it a memorable birthday evening. Gotta love them for it!

I saw a psychic today and I’m feeling a little shaky. The reading was great but it’s still a frightening experience because the psychic acknowledge so many points in my life; DH’s health and current working conditions, my business idea, my immediate family and of course, our hard times dealing with fertility issues. Apparently DH and I will never conceive naturally but we will conceive with the help of a specialist. The months of May and October could be seen as positive outcomes. This is freaky because our appointment at the IVF clinic is in May and our private health insurance begins in September. Am I reading too much into this? Do I believe a $49 psychic?

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