Saturday, 30 May 2009

Our first IVF appt

Our FS appointment is two sleeps away. My day was spent organising and photocopying our test results, referrals and documents for the FS. I am beginning to get excited now about the future!

DH and I visited our FS yesterday. I now I should be feeling positive about the experience but to be honest I feel shit scared now. The need to invest complete faith in our FS was squashed 20 minutes into the appointment. We’re being referred to her colleague instead…. This is the moment my faith and hope disappear! Without going on and on about it too much, the bottom line is more blood tests have been ordered for the both of us. DH also has to take a cystic fibrosis test. Once the results are in, we head back to the clinic to see her colleague (who specialises in Male Factor Infertility). My gut is telling me this is gonna be a long and bumpy ride but I must try and look at this experience differently. The FS is conducting more tests so they know exactly what they are dealing with right? Yes Brooke!
DH is so great about all this. He walked out of the appointment just glowing with how great this is going to be. WTF? Where did this enthusiasm come from?

Life as I know it has been sucked out of me. I wake this morning feeling the full effects of this journey so far; devastation, confusion, afraid, isolated, guilty, ashamed, angry, sad and pathetically hopeless. I cannot possibly go into the office today. My head is pounding and I’m struggling to understand why I am feeling like this. This struggle is aggravated unfamiliar and intense feelings in me. I fear that my attitude will be misunderstood by others. Because I’m absolutely certain that those close to me are misunderstanding me. They must think I’m obsessed, moody, helpless, depressed, envious, too serious, obnoxious, aggressive, antagonistic, and cynical. Decision made…. I’m calling in sick. Best to stay indoors today and ignore the outside world.

Wow. When it rains, it really does pour. The Government has just released it’s Budget for 2010 and it’s not good. Actually it’s devastating. The Government wants to get rid of the Medicare Safety Net for IVF and OB/GYN claims. I want to cry. I want to laugh hysterically. I want to be comforted by Mr Sav Blanc. Some would argue that IVF is not for the public purse to pay for, but I get annoyed that the safety net is there for people with medical conditions to access affordable medical care yet we can’t. My husband has a medical condition. A genetic medical condition and we would like the same access as other’s to a medical rebate. IVF is one of a few medical conditions that if invested in well, will in some part give back to society in future generations. I also can't stand the hypocrisy of saying that Australia needs to increase our population and pays that in baby bonus (and maybe a paid maternity leave scheme) as an incentive and then tries to take funding from an area that is doing just that. It’s been a few weeks now and I’m beginning to feel better. DH and I have completed all of our tests. We’re just whistling away the time until our next FS appt to discover the results.

Just came back from a lunch date with my GF. My GF is also TTC and it’s so nice for us to sit down with no disruptions and talk babies. Just towards the end of our lunch date my GF announces she is nine weeks pregnant. I’m not surprised by this at all however my GF has tears in her eyes as she breaks the news to me. I’m touched that she’s so caring and sensitive towards my feelings but I’m honestly thrilled for her. As a fellow TTCer doing it tough I’m so glad she and her hubby are rewarded with another bub. Completely and utterly happy for them.

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