Today is my due date

I can't believe today has come around so quickly. Today would have been my due date for the baby I lost in March. Time flies when you're grieving, hey :(

Whilst the ache in my arms to hold our baby grows stronger everyday, the journey to this point show me how far I've come. I've healed. I'm not completely healed but the gaping wound that exposed my heart is mending and rejuvenating.


I text hubby to remind him and also text my bestie and our sperm donor. Our sperm donor was the first to respond and said "Nine months from now and you'll have one". It was just what I needed to hear. I really hope our attempts this cycle are a winner.

Tonight I'll light a candle and remember our little peanut.

Our bond was instant and my love infinite. I'm so sorry we didn't get to meet you xx

Legs in the air

I'm back baby!!!  The mind, body and spirit is geared and ready to TTC again.

Slight change of plans. We decided on another home insemination attempt instead of an ICSI cycle. Hubby has started his own company so money is a bit tight at the moment. FS told me to take Temazepam as a precaution (to stop my uterus contracting) ... we don't want another ectopic!

I actually thought I'd missed my ovulation this month but I'm now thinking it's a bad batch of F2F (Fertility2Family) OPKs because I didn't get a single positive. So on CD19, I visited the local Chemist and bought a 7 day OvuPlan kit and got a positive straight away!

Our sperm donor has been visiting every 2nd day to provide us with a quality batch of Olympic swimmers.  Fingers crossed.

Anyone else ever had 4 days of positive OPK's?  Normally I only get 1-2 days of positives before the line goes faint. But so far each test is stronger than the control line.

I've been waving my legs in the air like I just don't care (for you groovers out there) for the past few days. My hips are very achy, experiencing insomnia, had a week of pimples leading up to my first positive OPK, a bit bloated and lower back is sore.

The only ovulation sign missing is no EWCM. A bit watery on day 1 but nothing since.

Dreading the 2ww because I'm as nervous as hell. I can handle a BFN but I can't handle another a 3rd ectopic.

PS - Come visit me over at www.theloverlist.com
My blog about falling in love with your life

I think I can, I think I can

I know it's been a while in between posts. DH and I have done a lot of soul-searching, healing, travelling, drinking and talking the past months.

The days following my discharge from hospital, I WAS MESS. Emotionally I had been ripped apart and I still have no idea how DH stayed around to pick up the pieces - it must be true love! I truly hated that I was back in this heart wrenching position again. Another baby lost. The feelings of hopelessness and guilt came flooding back from March and it was almost too much to process.  I had mini breakdowns everyday for a week.

I also had a lot of anger towards my dad for not visiting me and anger towards so-called friends for not caring enough to call/text/email/visit after we'd suffered another loss.  Let's just say we now know who our true friends are!

Once I was back on my feet again, we immediately saw our counselor. Within hours I was a changed women - vowing to let go of the anger, begin an active lifestyle and vowing not to give up just yet.

With that in mind, we jetted to the USA and spent a few weeks visiting New York, partying our way through Las Vegas and finally some much needed RnR in Hawaii. The holiday did wonders for our marriage and cemented it's foundations once again. DH and I fell in love again and again .... it was so sweet.

It's now October and DH and I wanted to give a home insemination another attempt, but at the 11th hour I chickened out. Something inside of me just wasn't quite ready. I asked DH would it be OK to give this month a miss and of course he was OK with it. Instead, we had a great month spending quality time with our 'rugby' family and had a great night at the Rugby Presentation Ball (see pic) at the Hilton Sydney.

So I've got another three weeks to calm my life down, get really healthy in mind, body and spirit and focus all my energies into the next baby making mission.

Watch this space my friends xx