$49 psychic

I don’t think I can take another pregnancy announcement. I am truly at breaking point and have the potential to hurt expecting women everywhere. Here is goes….. A colleague just announced her pregnancy. I can’t believe I didn’t pick it because she’s huge. I mean for a tiny Japanese woman, she is certainly showing and her belly is very cute. But I can’t seem to fight the violent urge to push her over. Due to these dangerous tendencies, I consider resigning at first. Maybe a job in a nightclub would be better. It would be extremely beneficial to pregnant women all over the city if I begin to spend all of my time in a nightclub where it is unlikely that any women would bring her baby.

Why don’t women talk about it? Better still, why won’t men talk about it? Is there a code of silence when it comes to fertility issues? In the eleven years since I became 18 and joined the work force, I have never heard of anyone talk about fertility issues – especially of the male kind! Yet, I’ve heard about every ‘oopsy daisy’ pregnancy. The human race (well, the Sydney human race) are proud as punch to talk about impending births and their children yet nobody is proud to discuss or even comment on infertility. I mean no one chooses to have fertility issues. I feel so ashamed to talk about our reproductive failings whilst others are so happy to flaunt their fertility to everyone.

Okay so I haven’t resigned yet! But I’m certainly developing my business idea in my spare time. Well, I’m actually surfing the web at work and researching as much as I can… and getting paid for it! Hoping my boss never finds out!

Another member (my favourite member) has graduated from our on-line forum into the Pregnancy forum. It’s a bittersweet feeling. Of course I’m incredibly happy for her but I wish I was joining her. I wish it was me leaving the group and moving into the pregnancy forum. It dawns on me that my world is beginning to segregate. My world as I know it is now the Fertile’s and the Infertile’s. I also noticed that my life changed forever the moment DH and I started trying to conceive. What happened to our wild Saturday night’s that would have us stumbling home at 6am the following morning? My Saturday nights are now spent on the couch reading the Twilight series. Bella and Edward can conceive a vampire baby but I can’t even conceive a human baby!! Maybe I need to consider knitting or scrap-booking? Am becoming a Grandmother already – yet have no child to create a grandchild.

Another blow. Another lemon. Another devastation. Not too sure if I can take it much longer. My GP phoned yesterday to break the bad news. DH’s sperm count hasn’t changed. It’s the same! How can that be? Surely the horrid herbs and painful acupuncture did something to DH’s swimmers! I hop on the bus and head home to DH, all the while thinking of ways to break the news gently to him. I dawdle home and put the keys in the door… there is no easy way to tell him. Here is goes…
DH takes the shitty news like a trooper. Shrugs his shoulders and says “Oh well. It was worth a shot”. I hug him immediately and bury my face into his neck. I’m so glad his reaction isn’t to cry and shout ‘Why me!”. Because that’s exactly how I feel like reacting! We discuss our next step and agree IVF is the only way forward now. Our FS appointment is in two weeks so we agree to a TTC naturally break! Yippee! No more OPK’s, no more mangy thermometers and no more CM checks.

It was my birthday yesterday and I must admit I had a great day. The day started off a little slow and little apprehensive because I truly believed I’d be holding my baby in my arms by this milestone…. BUT it wasn’t meant to be. So I dedicate the day to being positive instead. Forget important milestones and celebrate the moment my head screams at me. DH, Jessie and my mum make it a memorable birthday evening. Gotta love them for it!

I saw a psychic today and I’m feeling a little shaky. The reading was great but it’s still a frightening experience because the psychic acknowledge so many points in my life; DH’s health and current working conditions, my business idea, my immediate family and of course, our hard times dealing with fertility issues. Apparently DH and I will never conceive naturally but we will conceive with the help of a specialist. The months of May and October could be seen as positive outcomes. This is freaky because our appointment at the IVF clinic is in May and our private health insurance begins in September. Am I reading too much into this? Do I believe a $49 psychic?

Where are you miracle?

It’s Friday. I’m CD14 and half way through SMEP. I cannot believe that I totally forget to use an OPK today. How could I be so forgettable! I get home and try an OPK anyway, it kinda looks negative. It’s Saturday. I’m CD15 and my waking temperature has sky rocketed! What the? I couldn’t have O already! My O day is still two or three days away. Very confused now. After lunch I use an OPK and register a positive. Right, so I’ve O’d. DH is at cricket all day so I must wait til he gets home before one last BD – just for good measure! Just as my cycles become clock work, my body throws a curve ball at me. An early ovulation! Sheesh!

Feeling bittersweet. I don’t know whether to jump with excitement, swallow my sadness or cry hysterically. Think I’ll pick number two option – swallow my sadness. My brother L has just called me from mum’s place to tell me he’s going to be a dad. A dad! That means I’m going to be an Aunty. I react normally (because mentally unstable women in my position needs to react excited in this situation) and tell L and his girlfriend K they’re going to be great parents. I quickly talk to my mum and ask her will she be grandma or nana. My mum is so excited about being a grandmother. I talk a little longer with my brother and ask him about their future living arrangements (L still lives at home with my dad) and if marriage is on the cards before the baby is born. I guess it’s all too soon to be answering those questions because he’s still in shock he’s gonna be a dad! It’s so sweet hearing him excited!
I say my goodbyes and begin to clean the kitchen. Half way through scrubbing the oven tray, a little tear escapes. I tell myself to stop it immediately but the tears are out before I have a chance to control them. I cry (yet again) for selfish reasons. Because I want to create my OWN people as well.

This isn’t fair! Five women from my on-line support group have just discovered their pregnant. WTF? Where was my invite to join the Due-in group? I’ve checked the mail box repeatedly and got nothing. This means my support group is down to 4 members. SMEP was successful for 5 out of 9 members. Now that’s awesome news for SMEP creators but what about me? I’ve been doing SMEP for months and months (that’s a lie but it sounds right in my head) and got nothing! Where is my miracle?
Argh, guess it’s time to recruit some more members to the on-line group.

My urge to procreate is getting stronger and stronger now. Especially when women all around me are falling pregnant and giving birth. It’s just not far. I want to make my OWN people are well. I still haven’t accepted that it may take a cast of hundreds to help DH and I do it.

Stilettos, Fires & Grey hairs

I was in the lunch room chit chatting about my impending two year wedding anniversary, when my work colleague said
“Two years of marriage and no kids yet. Are you going to begin trying soon?”
Just as I was about to blow my stack, I took a deep breath and let out a big sigh.
“Actually, we’ve been trying for nearly 12 months”
She started to mumble an apology and left the lunch room quickly. I don’t know who felt more uncomfortable; me or her!
Finally I said it out loud! I am a married woman trying to conceive a baby. The words feel strange on your tongue but strangely easy to say out loud.

I had coffee with a girlfriend today. She asked me about out TTC efforts and I said no success as yet. My GF then said DH and I should go away for a weekend, drink some beer & wine and relax a little. Because we’re bound to fall pregnant if we learn to relax a little. My immediate reaction was to punch her in the nose, however it dawned on me that some people are just uneducated about TTC. Don’t people realise that DH and I have been alone for 6 years and drank copious amounts of alcohol – this formula doesn’t work!
My smug mug (did I mention pregnant) GF begins to complain about her wardrobe and how nothing fits anymore. So being the fabulous GF that I am, I push past my jealously and offer to go shopping with her. It occurs to me that she is actually wearing her husbands t-shirt over a long skirt. Poor thing! It must be awful not to be fashionable anymore. Suddenly a warm glow begins to fill me. Could this be the feeling of satisfaction? Yes, yes I think it is! I may have just found the secret to TTC happiness. My wardrobe! I can still wear skinny jeans, stilettos, fabulous snug dresses.

A girl in my on-line buddy group discovered she is pregnant. We’re all thrilled for her as she has been TTC for over 12 months and unfortunately had to endure a miscarriage. But after a successful month using the SMEP, she is pregnant! Maybe it’s time to revisit this one. I begin my web surfing and find an article on SMEP for couples with a low sperm count. Bingo! As I read through the article, I discover it’s best to BD every third day as apposed to every second day. The bonus of BD every third day is it gives males suffering from low sperm count a chance to replenish their reserves. Sounds interesting! I discuss SMEP with DH and we decide to give it a go next cycle if this one fails.

DH and I had a big fight. Another argument over TTC and how stupid and obsessed I’m becoming. He’s right. I am mad woman. I try and apologise for my obnoxious wild ways but DH has had enough and storms out of the room. I am too scared to follow him! He finally emerges 15 minutes later and gives me a cuddle. He tells me this is hard for him too. I cannot believe how blessed I am to having such a loving and understanding husband when I am such a bugger. You know, part of why I get so angry (and who could forget upset) is because DH is going to make such a fantastic dad one day. It upsets me it’s not happening as quickly as it should. Ah, coulda woulda shoulda!

It’s Saturday afternoon and I’m still in my PJ’s. Our modified SMEP method failed! I’m debating whether to continue crying or have a breakdown. Hmmmm. Let’s continue with crying on the couch and then I’ll see how I feel after that. I cry because this is the 12th period to arrive since we embarked on our TTC adventure; I cry because 12 months is a long time to strive for our common goal; I cry because I’ve experienced 12 bouts of horrid IPS; I cry because our BD efforts were useless; I cry because I’ve worked out my baby’s EDD 12 times. I sit on the couch and switch on the telly. I need a distraction before my tears ducts dry up. A news bulletin tells me there are fires burning out of control across Victoria. The images on the television are from a war-torn country, surely. This cannot be Victoria, Australia. I watch the television transfixed and begin to surf different channels for more news. Same story, same image, same sadness. Oh, how awful for these communities. Devastated by a fire that someone idiot has purposefully started. The authorities are now predicting certain deaths as many communities were unable to escape the fast paced movement of the fire. My own sadness is completely forgotten as I watch news reel after news reel of devastating footage. How blessed I am! I have a roof over my head, food in the fridge, a husband who adores me, a job to go to everyday. These images have put things into perspective for me. I am blessed to have what I have.

It’s nearing the end of February and it’s time for my monthly visit to my hairdresser. I casually mention my grey hair meltdown in conversation and S just laughs and says “Babe, you should see the crown of your head!”. I’m godsmacked!! I have grey hairs in another spot. Why has no one cared enough to tell me? This is wrong. This is bad. This is a disaster. I consider colouring my hair but S say’s it’s not that bad yet. Really? Could have fooled me. Greys hairs and no kids to blame it on sounds like a disaster to me!