Slow motion

It's time. I've had a great break from all things baby related and now it's time to get this ball rolling again and jump back on the TTC wagon.

I was at a baby shower a few weeks ago .... Hubby came along with me .... and within an hour of being at the shower, admiring my friends gorgeous baby bump, feeling the love and support the soon to be parents had ...... I got it. I started feeling, craving and yearning for a bub in my arms again.

It was in that moment that I realised it was time to start the TTC process again. 

Slowly.

I want to take this slowly and make sure I've made the right decision. At the moment it feels 89.4541321650% right. So I went to the compounding chemist and filled my scripts. I've started back on DHEA and Melatonin again. This time Devora has me taking CoQ10, Inositol and L-Arginine twice a day. 

I'm eating healthy and exercising regularly.  

I've started meditating and my yoga class begins next week. 

 A few more months of this and we'll see if I'm ready to commit to the IVF cycle. 

Stay tuned! 

B xx

A year ago today

This week has been a BIG struggle. I knew the one year anniversary of losing bubba #3 (read here) was approaching and I was sooooooooooooooooo determined to get through this week with a reflective approach. I didn't want to be sad about it.

But it's here. It's today. And all I want to do is hide from the world.

My spirits are so deflated today. I touched the scars on my stomach this morning and cried. I cried that our bubba was in the wrong spot. I cried for the trauma I suffered. I cried that half my uterus is missing. I cried for my husband and Mum who had to watch and endure the whole thing. I cried for the ache in my heart and arms. I cried for the big black void in our lives.

But to try and end the day on a positive note, I'm forcing myself to write down the positives and fun times experienced this year.
* A great rental house that we can call home.
* The opportunity to travel overseas twice this year.
* Welcoming a new addition to our furry family - Benji boy.
* Being spoilt with a weekend away with friends to Bora Bora House.
* Spending an entire 48 hours with my family - I haven't done that since I moved out of home 12 years ago.
* Parties, parties, parties. Lucky our neighbour is deaf and can't hear us!
* Watching hubby and my nephew play rugby and cricket in our yard.
* Getting a new tattoo to remember our three bubba angels.
* Watching my brother fall in love with his soulmate.



Hubby and I have been forced to say 'no' to a lot of things the past 5 years. But my Dr's orders were to take a year off TTC. No pregnancies allowed. My uterus needed to heal properly.

So it became the year of fun instead. We said 'YES' to just about everything! Seriously it was very fun year.

So today might mark a sad day for me, but I've turned a corner. I know I have. Next year will be bigger and better. Goals are set. Achievements will be made. I'm allowed to try and fall pregnant again now.

I just need to decide when I want to start TTCing again.

Does time heal?

Are you following me on the new blog yet? www.theloverlist.com

Time.

It heals. Some days it goes slowly. Other days it speeds by. It's been 10 months now since my 3rd ectopic loss. Ten months of heartache and soul searching. But it's also had so many fun moments.

For the first time in 5 years, I've been forced to relax and NOT try and conceive. Hubby and I have had so many laugh out loud moments, we've indulged, we've travelled more and we expanded our family and adopted another rescue do, Benji.

But time is nearly up. My 12 month ban to not fall pregnant is coming to an end and it's time to start thinking about the next step. I forced myself to make an appt with our IVF DR and get pick her brain about what happens from here. What are the risks? Will the level of care be intensified? Is there a different procedure we could attempt?

I'm SO NOT READY to make any decisions yet. I'm gathering information. I want to know if falling pregnant again is a silly idea? I know the percentage of a 4th ectopic is sky high (around 75% chance of it happening again). Or would I be silly to give up on this dream of having kids because I'm scared? There is a 25% chance that carrying a baby to 35 weeks could happen!

Our DR has recommended I see a life coach first and foremost. There is no point jumping into an IVF cycle if my head and heart are not aligned. It's been four weeks and I still haven't called the recommended life coach. What does that say about how I'm feeling?

Scared mostly. 

I have all the IVF forms, prescriptions and blood test paperwork ready to go. The IVF care will be the same. A frozen cycle has been recommended. Valium will become my best friend pre and post transfer. I know the ectopic symptoms and what to look for. And if I ever acheive another pregnancy, I'll never carry to full term. My uterus has halved in size and my baby will be delivered earlier.

I just need to decide whether I want to give it one more shot ..... or let go of the dream. Is all this rotten bad luck? Or was this God's plan?

What would you do? Another cycle? Or accept it ain't meant to be?

A tattoo for my 3 angels

What a messy messy week. I've been snappy, emotional, bitchy and overly sensitive. My due date for pregnancy #3 was looming and I was so concerned about my mental health and well-being that I contemplated taking the day off work to sit with my misery.

5th August 2013. To be utterly honest, I thought I'd stay in bed. Cry. Re-read my blog. Cry. Call my mum. Cry. Eat ice cream. Cry some more. 

But we all have a choice in this life, don't we. When we wake up each day we have a choice to be happy and that's how I wanted to feel waking up on my due date.


So I made a plan late last week. The plan was to keep active, keep busy and stay positive. It all started when my boss notified everyone in the office that we could all take Monday off work {bank holiday}. Yippee! My weekend was filled with family dinners, walking the dogs, getting a haircut, a friends engagement party, chores around the house, shopping etc.

Hubby woke me up yesterday - my due date- and wished me a lovely day off work. I cuddled my puppy dogs in bed for a few minutes and then we hit the pavement for a big 3km walk.The sun was shining and I was feeling blessed to be alive.

Hubby then surprised me by coming home early from work. We headed to Bondi for lunch - The Bucket List - and had a lovely lunch in the sunshine. A few drinks were consumed and we decided to get the tattoo we had designed to mark the day - my due date - in a special way. Bondi Ink had an opening and 2 hours later we have matching tattoos to remember our three angels. It's meaning: Our 3 angels heartbeats are with us for life and infinity. The feather at the end presents my nesting period and how delicate life is.

I'm really proud of myself for getting through the day in a positive way. Crying all day wouldn't have achieved anything. My mood would have been deflated for days. I still hope, wish and yearn for a baby of my own however it was important to have a lasting memory of my angels - besides my abdominal scars.

Wordless Wednesday

4 months on

First of all, let me start by saying I'm doing ok. Each day certainly gets easier, but the hurt and pain I'll never forget. The minute I allow myself to think about what happened in December, I disintegrate. But those moments are few and far between now.

Having a therapist helps and so does a quick week away in Thailand. Hubby and I had a chance to talk. Really talk. About adoption, surrogacy, reviewing the option of IVF as a high risk patient or cease the parenthood quest. No decisions made yet!

Yesterday was a hard day. I would have been 35 weeks pregnant and probably starting my maternity leave.

Deep breath.

Did anyone else read Mary Coustas' story in the Sydney Morning Herald on the weekend? I can't stop thinking about it. Mary is such an Australian public face and yet her hurt, pain and loss is more than I can ever imagine. You can read her story about custody, infertility and losing loved ones here. It's a long article but absolutely beautifully told!

I'm spending a lot of time over at my other blog these days - The Lover List. I find talking about lovely things is helping to heal the mind and spirit. Please pop over and say hi sometime.

Life, Love and Light

xx

Today is my due date

Today is my due date for pregnancy number #2 (our IVF cycle).

Today is meant to be a joyous celebration of new life, a new family member and a VIP pass into parenthood.

Today is meant to be my due date.

I feel like I'm grieving all over again. It's like my body knows that it is supposed to be going through something big right now and my emotions are all over the place and unpredictable. A combination of emptiness, sadness, loss and major disappointment are boiling inside of me.

I want nothing more than to be pregnant right now. I want nothing more than to be a mum.

But I'm not pregnant and it appears I won't be a mum.

Hubby is doing his best to be supportive. I've been acting out of sorts and strange all week after my mini breakdown last Tuesday. GP thinks I'm suffering from anxiety and depression. Hubby just wants to fix me and all I want is for Hubby to listen and hold me. I know he's doing his best but I find myself lashing out at him for nothing.

It's been a bad week, a very bad week.

Love & Light

Hubby and I had to move house last month so the past few weeks have been busy packing boxes, moving boxes, settling our Sonny into his new home, changing address details, disposing of boxes, buying new things for the house etc etc. Needless to say I've been pre-occupied to think about deeper issues.

And I actually think this has been the biggest blessing in disguise. Having to move house has keep me from going insane, getting depressed and crying constantly.

At first I hated our landlord for forcing us to move out. I begged and pleaded with him to let us stay another 6 months. I explained I'd just lost a baby and my recent surgery would prevent me from heavy lifting. But the bastard forced us out - he wanted to sell.

And I'm OK with that now. I could feel my excitement beginning to build when I began searching for new rental properties - it's a new year and a new fresh start was needed.

Fast forward 4 weeks and I can feel the light now. At first I could see the light at the end of the tunnel, but now I can feel it on my skin, feel it in my bones and my smile has returned. Laughter doesn't feel so strange anymore and the tears are not as frequent.

I'm yet to see our counsellor - life got in the way - but dealing with my grief early on has helped. I know that once I sort myself out, I can focus on hubby more. I needed to be selfish and heal me first before talking/loving with him. It's nearly time.

Absence

In my baby's absence,
Life hands upon me, and becomes a burden,
I am ten times undone, while hope, and fear,
And grief, and rage and love rise up at once,
And with a variety of pain to distract me.

Scared to leave

This sense of fear is digging itself deeper and deeper into my bones. It's paralysing and suffocating. It consumes my thoughts and restricts my movements. 

I'm trying SO hard to move forward, move on from this mess.

But the fear is breathtaking and not in a pretty way.

I've tried to leave the house five times today but I keep thinking of excuses to stay indoors. The washing is complete. The bathroom is clean. The sheets are fresh and the laundry is put away. I seriously contemplated organising my bookcase but ate a caramel Tim Tim instead.

It's two sleeps til Santa arrives and I've got so much to buy and so much to organise. This is normally my favourite time of the year - festive celebrations, party invitations, sharing great food and fine wine with family and friends and handing out thoughtful gifts to make my loved ones smile like crazy. I crave normality so badly but 'normal' disappeared 16 days ago. 

I know I'm faking it at the moment. I'm seriously pretending to be OK. My loved ones don't need to know my every thought. If I could leave the house, my first stop would be my GP for help. The trauma of this experience, this pregnancy, this loss, is enough to set me on a path of destruction. Depression has visited me before and I don't particularly want it back again. I need to know the steps to help me avoid this path ...... and try and choose a path that will be rebuild what is broken here. 

But I get the sense no one can help me. No one wants to help me.

Maybe faking it is OK for the moment because our life is messy. Hubby is investing every waking minute into his new business. I'm at home alone all day. Sleep is evading us. We toss and turn and become bitter when dawn breaks. The healthy diet is replaced with too much chocolate, ice cream and cake. I cry every time I hope in the shower because the scars are a permanent reminder of what could have been. 

But I can't fake it forever. Eventually I need to start digging my way out of this pit hole called 'rock bottom'.

Empty

It's already a week since we lost bub.

Seven days & nights of endless tears, constant heartache and an empty womb. It's not just my womb that feels empty, my whole spirit is empty.

emp·ty

adjective, emp·ti·er, emp·ti·est, verb, emp·tied, emp·ty·ing, noun, plural emp·ties.

1.

containing nothing; having none of the usual or appropriate contents: an empty bottle.

2.

vacant; unoccupied: an empty house.

3.

without cargo or load: an empty wagon.

4.

destitute of people or human activity: We walked along the empty streets of the city at night.

5.

destitute of some quality or qualities; devoid (usually followed by of  ): Theirs is a life now empty of happiness.

The baby clothes are empty.

The baby bottles are empty.

Our house is empty.

Our car is empty.

Our interaction is empty.

And our life certainly feels empty. There is no happiness here anymore.

It's finally over

They say you need to hit rock bottom before it gets better.

Here is a sample of my rock bottom.

Last Thursday I woke up around 5am with abdominal pain and lower back pain. I got up out of bed and went to the bathroom and started to feel dizzy and nauseous. I screamed out to DH and he helped me onto the lounge. I could barely talk. My focus was on breathing through the pain. I had so much pressure in my lower abdomen so hubby helped me back to the bathroom but I collapsed on the bathroom floor. I finally found the strength to tell hubby to call me an ambulance.

Within 5 minutes the ambulance had arrived and I was given some morphine to help the pain. Then it was off to hospital.

We arrived around 6am and I was seen to straight away. I explained I was due to have surgery at 5pm today for a cornual ectopic pregnancy. The Dr in emergency explained I'd be having surgery a lot earlier than that as I was bleeding internally - my worse fear confirmed - the pregnancy had ruptured.

It took 4 Dr's and 2 nurses 90 minutes to find a vein in my hand/arm to insert a cannula. I was dehydrated and my veins kept collapsing. The pain was starting to get excruciating not to mention the pain from the cannula attempts. So I kept sniffing the morphine until finally a vein behaved and a cannula inserted into my hand.

Lots of phone calls were made and the surgery was bought forward as quickly as possible. Hubby was beside himself with worry so I asked him to call mum and let her know I was in emergency again.

I was quickly transported to the private hospital, where the surgery was taking place and by that stage my pain was off the charts. I was struggling to breathe normally and taking short swallow breaths. Next, they moved me onto another bed and that was it. I SCREAMED like I've never screamed before.

"I CAN'T BREATHE"

"HELP ME"

"DO SOMETHING"

"KNOCK ME OUT. I CAN'T TAKE THE PAIN ANYMORE"

Hubby and my mum were crying and screaming at the nurses and surgeon to help me. I very clearly remember at this stage sinking to another level of survival. I calmed my breathing, stopped moving, focused on my prayers and willed myself to survive this.

I remember saying goodbye to my husband - telling him he was the man of my dreams and I've never loved someone as much as I loved him.

I remember saying goodbye to my mum - telling her how much I loved her and how sorry I was that she had to go through this.

My last vision was of my mum collapsing against a wall and hubby holding her - both crying.

Then the lights went out ......... and I woke up.

The nurse looked at me and told me I'd survived the surgery. I immediately said a prayer of thanks. Never in my life was I so thankful and grateful to be breathing, pain free, but breathing.

I asked her if I was still pregnant and her answer was no.
I asked her if I still had my uterus and her answer was yes.
I asked her if I needed a blood transfusion and she said nearly but no.
My final question was, "does my husband and mother know I'm ok" and she said yes.

Reuniting with my husband and mother was the best moment of my life. The weight was finally off my shoulders.

Whilst I still grieve and mourn the loss of my 3rd baby, I can't help but feel so thankful to be alive.

I'm now resting at home and the feelings of guilt and selfishness and starting to creep in. My desire and need to have child have not only put my life at risk, but my family and friends have had to endure the prospect of losing a wife, daughter, sister, friend and work colleague.

I knew the chances of an ectopic were higher this time round and I still wanted to attempt it. Does that make my selfish? I never could have foreseen this outcome and in all honesty, I don't think I can ever attempt it again. I can't put my hubby through this again and again and again.

So my initial thoughts are ....... It's finally over. I believe we may need to close the door on this TTC chapter. Typing that sentence brings tears to my eyes because it means our dreams are shattered. But how does one move on from this?

CD50 / 29DPO - i'm still pregnant

Yes, you read the title correctly - I am still pregnant.

The surgery on Friday was unsuccessful at locating the ectopic and my Dr was forced to close up. He did find a bulging mass on the right side of my uterus wall but he was not 100% convinced it was the pregnancy.

So imagine my shock and horror when I was wheeled back to the recovery bay area only to discover the surgery had failed.

Devastating.

The Dr came by on Saturday morning and asked me to go home and rest and come back to the hospital on Tuesday for repeats tests.

So today I brought moral support with me - hubby and my mum. Off to the hospital we trot and I'm put through my paces again - more bloods, more scans, more questions.

Guess what? THEY FINALLY FOUND MY PREGNANCY.

Located in an awful spot of my uterus wall. Bub is measuring around 5mm and has a heart beat of 105. My heart shattered into a million pieces when the sonographer said it's still non-viable.

I saw my baby's heart beating. I saw the beautiful round spot it occupies in my uterus. I see where it calls home.

And still it's non-viable and I need to end it's life because of a location. A location. WTF?

Dr calls it a cornual ectopic pregnancy and it's the worse kind you can get. Of course it's the worse kind - could only happen to me. The surgery to remove this type of pregnancy is major and life threatening. Four in 11 women die from this type of surgery. The biggest risk is bleeding out and needing a hysterectomy.

Am I scared? I'm petrified.

Am I worried? My anxiety is through the roof.

The surgery is booked for Thursday afternoon and all I can do is pray like crazy everything will be ok.

I'm already so connected to this baby and it's going to tear me apart that surgery on Thursday will end it's life. My focus now is surviving the surgery as best I can.

CCD45 / 25DPO - 3rd time unlucky

hCG is over 3000 however no pregnancy can be found in my uterus.

I'm devastated. I've never felt so alone in all my life.

Why is this happening to us again?

I simply can't believe this is happening again. Another ectopic - my third this year. What the FUCK have I done to deserve this?

My surgery is booked for 4pm today.

CD44 / 23DPO - Happy dance

CD44 / 23DPO
15DPO = 49
17DPO = 90
19DPO = 190
21DPO = 469
23DPO = 1500!!!!!!

I'm doing my 30 second happy dance - wanna join me?

I'm now in the 4 digits. How exciting is that! My hCG levels have more than tripled in 48 hours and are currently sitting at 1500. My Dr is very happy and impressed with today's results and she immediately asked me how I was feeling. My answer? I want to vomit - very nauseous.

So....... it's all sounding promising. I'm a little bit more optimistic now .... but still trying to be reserved with my excitement. Until I see a heartbeat I can only be apprehensive it's another ectopic.

PS - Apologises for the quick post, got hundreds of emails to action after taking yesterday off work for my grandmothers funeral.

CD42 / 21DPO - levels are up

CD42 / 21DPO
15DPO = 49
17DPO = 90
19DPO  = 190
Today's level at 21DPO = 469!!!!!!!!

The hospital needed to see me again today. I was soooooooo nervous about today's results. Heart pounding. Feeling nauseous. Fidigity. 

Saturday's (19DPO) hCG levels rose to 190. More than doubled which is good. The clinic nurse made me an emergency appt to have a scan as well - which was super nice of her.

The scan didn't reveal anything. The sonographer told me there was no sac to be seen in the uterus yet, but she didn't expect to see anything with levels of 190. (hCG levels normally have to be in the 2000's to see anything).

The corpus luteum is still on my left ovary and she couldn't see an ectopic on the left or right side. The sonographer did say my levels were doubling and that's what counts.

A few hours later, Lisa (from EPAS clinic) called me with today's results = 469!! She said this was great and again, it's more than doubled.

I'm flying to Brisbane tomorrow to attend my grandmother's funeral. Lisa is a bit concerned about me travelling and has printed off my records in case I miscarry or experience any severe pain whilst in Brisbane. The records will assist the Brisbane Hospital should anything happen. But I know I'll be fine!

The plan from here? Repeat hCG on Wednesday and I'm booked for bloods and another scan on Friday.

Keep those fingers crossed for me ladies!!!!!! 

CD40 / 19DPO - Hot in the city

Updated to include today's beta hCG results! 

CD40 / 19DPO
15DPO = 49
17DPO = 90
Today's level at 19DPO  = 190!!!


Man, is it hot in Sydney today. It's 4.42pm and it's still 34 degrees. Lucky for me (and Sonny) our house stays quite cool so the heat has been bearable.

I had my third beta hCG blood test this morning ..... but I won't know the results until Monday morning. My anxiety kicked in when I realised that. My first thought was to go to the GP and order an urgent blood test so i'd know the results today. Sounds crazy, but the thought did cross my mind.

Today is all about resting. Minimal housework (sorry hubby!) and just chilaxing with my puppy dog. The pain on my left side is still there. I did notice the pain wasn't as bad last night and it's certainly ok today (probably because I haven't moved from the couch much).

I was tempted to tell my mum about the pregnancy during our phone call today but decided against it. Mum is still mourning the loss of her own mother who died on Wednesday and I don't want to add to her stress.

My mum has always been my cheering squad with every attempt we've made to create our own tribe of little people. But I don't want to worry her until I know for sure whether this bub is sticking around or growing wings.

5w4d today - Bub, you just need to hang in there for another 35 weeks please. Love, your Mama xx

CD39 / 18DPO - Left side pain

CD39 / 18DPO
3rd hCG due tomorrow

Bub is still hanging on. No bleeding. Lots of nausea. Heavy backaches. Bloating. Bit of gas.

But the pain, the pain is starting to get to me.

I've had a dull ache in the left side of my abdomen for 2 weeks. The pain really kicked in around 12DPO which prompted me to POAS in the first place. The pain was similar to when I had the 1st ectopic.

But the difference in this pregnancy is .......... why would I have this pain for 2 weeks? Ectopic pain doesn't normally kick in until around 6w mark. Plus, my pain only intensify's after I eat a big meal. Otherwise it's just a dull ache in my rib.

{Reading the above line back to myself and I'm clutching at straws, aren't I?}

Over and out. I really need to do some work today! 

CD38 / 17DPO - Numb

CD38 / 17DPO
hCG is 90

Dr just called and told me the hCG level has increased to 90 ..... still very low and just short of doubling.  Was it silly of me to wish, hope and pray for a figure in the 1000's? Of course it was!!

The EPAS (Early Pregnancy Assessment Service) clinic manager met with me at the hospital this morning and we talked about my five year history TTC. It was nice to have someone geniuely listen and take notes. After I finished answering her questions, she was honest and said the chances of a viable pregnancy were slim to none.

And whilst I know this to be a fact, deep down it still cuts like a knife. Razor sharp. Slicing my heart in half.

Just for once, I want someone in my corner cheering a positive outcome. Instead I've had to endure 5 years worth of negative outcomes from every health professional I've encountered.

I'm so over feeling this pain. I'm becoming immune to it in a way. How do I keep doing this? Why do I keep doing this? Maybe children are not part of God's plan for hubby and I.

I'm broken from 2 losses this year. I'm broken from the countless surgeries my poor body has had to suffer over 4 years. I'm a shell of a women and completely numb.

The tears will arrive soon. I'm waiting for them and I hope I'm ready. I just don't want them to arrive at work today.

The plan from here ...... The EPAS clinic want to see me again on Saturday to repeat the beta hCG test. If I don't miscarry before then, I'm scheduled for bloods and another scan on Monday, which is my 6w mark.

My grandmothers funeral is on Tuesday, so I just pray I don't need surgery anytime soon.

If anyone is reading this, could I ask you to say a prayer to your God? I'll be eternally grateful.

B xx

CD37 / 16DPO - The bittersweet BFP

Guess what?

BFP  BFP  BFP  BFP  BFP  BFP  BFP  BFP

I woke up yesterday and my temp was still high so I thought 'what the hell' and took a pregnancy test. I left it on the bathroom counter and jumped in the shower. Low and behold, I stepped out of the shower to find 2 beautiful pink lines on the pregnancy test.

I may have squealed with sweet delight. Sheer happiness washed over me and I screamed, gasped and laughed so hard. Maybe it was finally happening! Our dog Sonny was the first to hear the news - he's gonna be a big brother.

My GP shattered my happy news with seconds of me sitting down in his office. I was told to go straight to hospital.

But 'Why' I asked?

"Because you have a history of ectopic pregnancies and this pregnancy has a 50% chance of being ectopic", he said.

So off to hospital I went. Bloods were drawn and my hCG came back at only 49 (15DPO). Quite low. Hmmm. I had a good cry and pulled it together. (I was by myself because DH had an important job on and I didn't want to worry him). The Dr then sent me for a scan and the sonographer found a small mass on my left ovary. I was told it could be an ectopic but it was too early to tell OR it could be a corpus luteum.

The hospital wants me back tomorrow for a repeat blood test and to meet the EPAS clinic nurse so we can put a plan in place.

In other sad news .... must be a week for it ...... my poor grandmother passed away this morning. RIP Grandma. I'm feeling overly emotional and just want some good news now ..... enough with the bad news.